Surreal Life
New Friends

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Uncle Bob: D+ | Grade It Now!
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New Friends

They get to the grocery store, and the video footage shows stunned onlookers gawking at the cast. One gal gets on her cell phone to tell her friend that "MC Hammer's here and they're all buying FOOD!" You know, like Hammer usually uses grocery stores to hone his country western crooning skills or something. Each of the cast members takes a shopping cart and fills it, with the exception of Vince, who just hangs out in the wine section, salivating. All the carts are brought back to the front of the store. The cast has vwith which to buy groceries, and they've obviously exceeded that amount by about $13,000. So they get another cart in which to put all the food that they can do without. Corey enters freakout mode because he "doesn't eat normal food," and they may be putting backall the stuff that he allows himself to eat. So he wants to supervise the throwbacks which, in his drug-addled mind, means more camera time for him. They manage to whittle down the goods; Gabby's trying to do the math in her head as to how much they have and whether they can buy it all with $500. Gabby factors in the tax on the food which prompts Brande to pipe up, "There's tax on food? Is that new?" Nationwide, thousands of former Playmates all groaned and rested their heads in their hands as Brande single-handedly earned that "Bimbo" label that they've all fought so hard to disavow.

After bringing in the groceries, Vince calls home. Vince is telling his girlfriend that he doesn't know what to do, since he's a rock and roll guy and is apparently surrounded by brainless mutants. His girlfriend's not much help, since the silicone has obviously eaten away at her brain. Meanwhile, Corey's bragging to anybody who will pretend to listen that he's a vegetarian, for moral reasons. He's presenting a fine argument until Gabby casually points out his leather shoes. This leads to a heated discussion between the two that finds Corey defending his opinion that animals should not have to die for any human whim except, of course, to make his feet look cool and sexy. In that case, hey, he'd club a baby seal to death with a cinder block if that would make him look cooler. The narcissistic blowhard is babbling about how animals have souls and he doesn't believe in killing them as Hammer points out in a voice-over that every home has a Corey in it. If that's the case, I'm calling an exterminator in the morning to come get rid of mine, pronto.

We FINALLY see Jerri in a limo on her way to the mansion. Jerri promises that this time won't be like "the last time," referencing her stint on Survivor 2: The One With That Bitch Jerri, in which she was typecast as an insufferable bitch with little regard for human life. You know, like Martha Stewart. Nay, this time Jerri's going to be "nice," even though she takes a certain amount of pride in her stint as a primetime bitch. Inside the house, Brande's whining that she had heard Robin Givens was going to be the seventh cast member, but now it's some girl she's never heard of. ["That's funny; in our house, Brande fills the slot of 'some girl we've never heard of.'" -- Wing Chun] Brande only wanted to be on the show because she thought Robin was doing it, but now it's someone who doesn't belong on the show -- a judgment Brande bases on the fact that she's never heard of Jerri Manthey. Never mind the fact that Jerri's been more prominently featured on television in the last two years than the rest of these losers combined; Brande's never heard of her, and that's all there is to that. So they're all sitting around the table with Hammer saying Grace while Jerri knocks at the door. Jerri says through clenched teeth that if this is a sign of things to come and she gets treated with disrespect, they can expect retaliation. Basically, if you don't answer the door as soon as she starts knocking, you can expect her to set your personals on fire and toss them into your bed as you sleep. After all, she's got a reputation to uphold.

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Surreal Life

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