Hi. Uncle Bob here. Long time no see. How've you been, you been good? Me? Aw, I'm fine. Lobotomy scars are almost completely healed, and Corey Feldman finally lifted the restraining order. I can't complain.
We're reminded that those watching The Surreal Life may find themselves subject to adult sexual material and strong language, and that parental discretion is advised. I call Mom in South Carolina and ask her if it's okay if I watch the show. She bitches me out for waking her up because she's, like, seventy now and goes to bed at 6 PM. The first voice we hear is that of Danny Bonaduce, who's on the radio stating all the background rules of the show. They're all living together for twelve days, and have to do everything together; we're informed that sparks will fly, Tammy Faye will cry, and whoever pisses off Vanilla Ice will die. A trolley is riding around Los Angeles, picking up each of the cast members. First is Tammy Faye Bakker, who is now Tammy Faye Messner. Can you imagine the level of self-esteem that Mr. Messner must have when everyone still calls his wife by her previous surname? I mean, it's bad enough that the guy's married to this woman...but not even to get any credit for it? That guy needs a humanitarian award or something. Anyway, Tammy Faye is waiting at a wax museum, and good God...does she ever look fake. I'm talking creepy fake. As she boards the trolley, we're reminded that, at one time, she helped to start several Christian television networks. Great. Now I know whom to blame. At her peak, she and her husband Jim had 14.5 million viewers tuning in to their little dog and Christian pony show. She tells the cameraman that people think they know all about reality TV, but that she was the original reality TV star. She then lets out a low-pitched Herman Munster-like laugh that scares my kid out of the room. We're told that her first husband borrowed $158 million from the money that lonely senior citizens used to send him and Tammy Faye, and that the whole world hated her at one time. That one time being right around 6:00 yesterday. We see her bowling and cackling with her current husband. She admits that she has no idea what she's signed up for, having never seen the first season and that she has no idea whom she's going to be living with. Wouldn't it be hilarious if the trolley driver dumped her out in South Compton and hauled ass? Ha! Seriously...I need to suggest that to the bigwigs at The WB sometime.
The trolley's next stop is at an adult book store; Ron Jeremy waddles out and onto the bus. Ron says he's an actor, and holds the world's record for most movies, appearing in over 1,700 adult films. He says that would average out to three sex scenes per week. You know, I honestly can't feel sorry for the guy. He may want me to, but I'm not falling prey to his pity party. No way, no how, Ronnie Boy. He admits that he's moved from frequenting the gym to frequenting buffets, as we watch him getting physically groomed, having his body hair manscaped and hair dyed, leaving me with the answer to the ever-burning question, "Who has the worst job in the world?" The answer is now obvious: the guy who has to shave Ron Jeremy's ass. Ron's worried that there will be people in the house who are going to have adversarial opinions about his career; this comment is followed by a shot of Tammy Faye looking over her glasses with a scornful look on her face. Ron's brought along his pet turtle, Cherry. I don't even want to ask what inspired that name. Ron meets Tammy Faye and quickly reports that she has an hourglass figure and is wearing a sexy skirt. I guess when you're banging hot chicks all day, you turn to dumpy evangelists in their early sixties for fun. Ron makes the observation to Tammy Faye that by the end of these twelve days, he could be the one praying and she could be watching adult movies. She doesn't respond. Ron really needs to go back and read chapter one of How To Pick Up Mentally Ill Bible Thumpers.