Surreal Life
New Roommates

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Uncle Bob: B+ | Grade It Now!
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Hail Hail The Gang's All Hung

We then see two motorcycle cops pull up in front of a donut shop, where Erik Estrada has just bought the men some breakfast...scrambled eggs!! HA! HA! No, he bought them donuts, because that's a tired old stereotype the director probably couldn't resist. Erik hands the donuts to the cops as his teeth glimmer and shine. A graphic lets us know that Erik used to make $125,000/episode on CHiPS, and was widely regarded one of the sexiest men in the world. Here's what you have to look forward to, Brad Pitt. Take a good long gander at your future, my so-called friend: a starring role in The Surreal Life 14. Apparently, Erik got into a big stink at NBC over his paycheck, and was banished from American television for the next couple of decades. He makes it sound like NBC is the Mafia of the television networks. So he's been swimming with the fishes in both Thailand and Mexico, and does boffo box office in Indonesia. Not really. I just wanted to work the phrase "boffo box office" into this recap somewhere. When Erik boards the trolley and sees Ron and Tammy Faye, he gets excited and says, "Ohhh SNAP!" That was worth the price of admission alone -- hearing Erik Estrada use hip-hop lingo in the presence of Tammy Faye Bakker.

Vanilla Ice is hanging out at Roscoe's Chicken 'n' Waffles when the trolley pulls up to load his skank ass aboard. We hear Erik on the trolley saying, "Look! It's Vanilla Ice!" as though he actually recognized the guy. Sorry -- if he was dressed like a third-rate Hammer with half his eyebrows shaved off, I MIGHT have recognized him, but I'd be more apt to think he was an escaped mental patient. Vanilla informs us that he would now like to be called Rob Van Winkle, but he'll answer to Vanilla Ice. More on that later. Oh man, much more on that later. Apparently, the Iceman has major anger-management issues of the kind that would make Mike Tyson look like Gandhi. Ice says he was nineteen when his first album came out, and that it kept going platinum each week until it had finally sold fifteen million copies. To put that in perspective, that's about half the women Ron Jeremy has boinked within the last year. Ice admits that when the money was rolling in, he was spending it as quickly as he could, and that by the time his second album came out, the money train had derailed, rolled down a hill, run over a hobo dog nursing its newborn pups, and burst into flames. He says that, in his humble opinion, fame sucks greasy nuts, and that he was forced to turn to drugs as he faded back into obscurity. He admits that he has nothing to gain from coming on the show, and will walk the fuck off as soon as he feels like it. You know -- as if the rest of them are expecting this gig to jump-start their stalled careers. After all, look at all the offers Feldman has been getting lately. Tammy Faye tells Ice that he looks a lot like her son. Ice seems to be a bit dejected hearing this, because it's obvious he's going for a look that would be considered somewhat different than "Son of an Evangelist."

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Surreal Life

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