Surreal Life
Nude Resort

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Naked Ambition

Previously on The Surreal Life, Traci really really really wanted to see Ron's swingin' hammer o' love, and kept trying to disrobe him every single day that they'd been cooped up in this house thus far; Tammy Faye cried; Trishelle got drunk; and Rick James told Vanilla Ice he was a punk. Not in the good "Joey Ramone" way either.

As the sun rises, we see Vanilla Ice working on a new rap in bed. I'm paraphrasing the rap here, because nothing beats a good paraphrased rap first thing in a recap. Let me clear my throat. Ahem. "Well my name is Ice and I'm a rapper, you see?" That's it really. It's not like the guy has anything earth-shattering to say. If he did, he'd still have a career. Tammy Faye is reading her Bible, which you’d think she would have finished by now. I mean, c'mon, the woman has to be in her late fifties and she hasn't finished that book yet? Three words, Tammy Faye: "Hooked on Phonics." Trishelle, Traci, and Ron are waking up as Ron babbles that every man he knows says that women look the cutest in the morning as they're just waking up. These guys have never woke up next to my wife at 6 AM, with her face glazed in drool. Trust me; you'd rather wake up next to Freddy Krueger than face that shit. Ice is still rapping as Erik pretends to listen. Ice raps that he paved the way for Eminem, temporarily forgetting that the Beastie Boys paved the way for himself, and that Eminem would probably give props to the Beasties before he ever mentioned Vanilla Ice's name in public. Traci tells Ron that his hairy chest is attractive. Ron looks perplexed that anyone would find his hairy man-boobs appealing. Then again, we're talking about Traci, who has the mental capacity of tree bark. Erik has clearly had enough of Ice's lame rap and starts rapping himself, but he's only making up words that rhyme with "Lucy," for some unknown reason. Ice gets the picture and tells Erik "that's enough."

The Surreal Times shows up to inform the cast that a surprise guest will be calling the house soon. The phone rings, and it's Vince F'n Neil, our hero from last season. In a move that reeks of genuine kindness and not some hare-brained scheme concocted by the producers to inject some life into the episode, Vince invites the cast for a few days of fun at a resort. He tells them to pack their bags, and Ron asks what to bring. Vince says attire is "casual." Whoa ho ho! I’ll bet that wacky Vince has something up his sleeve! Vince tells the cast that he's enjoying a cocktail, and Traci wonders how he can be having cocktails at 9 AM, which elicits a chuckle and a sneer from Trishelle. Everyone's excited about getting out of the house. Ice is excited about meeting Vince Neil, and secretly hopes he can impress him with some of the far-out new tunes in which he takes credit for Eminem. Once inside the van, Erik says that since it's a two-hour drive, so maybe they should sing some songs. Ice suggests that instead of singing, everyone should beatbox. Like Pavlov's dog, Traci begins to beat herbox discreetly, a pillow in her lap. Tammy's not sure what Ice means by "beatbox," so Ice turns into a human drum machine, spitting and sputtering like he's the fourth Fat Boy. Tammy is impressed that Ice has an inkling of rhythm. Ron reads some lame limericks that he's written about Traci and Tammy Faye which make Ice look like Shakespeare. Don't quit the night job, Ronnie. As the trip continues, Ron's picking his nose, with some kooky sound effects added in for our enjoyment.

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