Surreal Life
Nude Resort

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Uncle Bob: C+ | Grade It Now!
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Naked Ambition

As the van drives past the Farm House Restaurant, Erik begs the driver to stop, as he swears this place has some of the best food in the world. Since Erik seems to be the sanest one of the bunch, the driver pulls over so that they can eat. As soon as they walk in, Traci notes that there are some crazy-looking people in there. Which in Traci-speak means that she's the only one in the joint with a boob job. Immediately, they are besieged by customers wanting pictures and autographs. Erik's great with the fans, introducing each of his castmates to them. He calls Trishelle "Tricia," and Trishelle corrects him on the pronounciation of her name. What an ego booster that Erik is! An older woman tells Ice that she has a book with him in it, and just happens to have it with her. She pulls out a copy of Madonna's Sex, and asks Ice to sign it. While this may seem unusual, studies show that an alarming number of middle-aged women are now toting around pornography featuring washed-up rappers in truck stops in hopes of crossing paths with them someday. I believe the clinical terminology for these women is "fucking crackpots." The rest of the cast completely forgot that Ice posed for the book at one time. He tells everyone that he and Madonna dated. Erik asks him if he "tapped that," and Ice tells him to "shhhh." He may be a volatile rancid asscrack at times, but he's no kisser and teller. Traci wants clarification on Ice’s relationship with Madonna, because she's somewhat dense and has to be told things three or four times minimum before they start to register in that vast wasteland she calls a "brain." Ice slowly explains that he and Madonna were "solid," and that they went out for eight months exclusively. I'm calling bullshit on this one, because I don't recall his ever showing up on the master list of guys Madonna poked to claw her way to the top. The woman issues press releases every time she boinks someone, fer chrissakes. An old lady's watching Ice leaf through the book and looks uncomfortable, to say the least. To say the most, she looks wary that she could catch a disease from the greasy bastard.

The van arrives at the resort, and Traci gets out first, exclaiming "My knees!" which probably isn't the first time her knees have been aching in Hollywood if you get my drift. Erik follows and smirks, "My thighs!" Vince and his semi-plastic girlfriend Lia greet everyone as they come in. Vince shoots the camera a bird, proving that you're never too old to be an obnoxiously pitiful bastard. Ron explains that he and Vince have been friends for years. Tammy Faye had no idea where they are, which is business as usual for her. Vince kisses Tammy. Yes, the guy who used to perform in front of flaming pentagrams kissed God's little galpal. Repent, you sinners, 'cause the Apocalypse is near. Ron asks Vince what the experience was like during the first season when they all had to say goodbye to each other. Vince says that they all became friends, and that they still keep in touch. Ron asks, "Even Corey?" and Vince responds "Uhhh...no," which elicits laughter from everyone, because now they know it's kosher to conveniently lose Traci's email address once the show's over. Vince introduces them to Barry, the manager of the resort. As Barry comes around the corner, we see that he's not wearing pants. Or underwear. In fact, he's wearing a big pixellated area between his legs. The sign out front welcoming the Surreal Lifers falls, and we find out they're at the Desert Shadows Inn, a nudist resort. I would have never seen this coming had it not been rammed down my throat during “coming attractions” throughout the entire season. Tammy Faye storms out, saying she's not staying there and wants nothing to do with these people and their...their...their goshdarned penises!

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Surreal Life

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