Previously on The Surreal Life, Corey continued getting on everyone else's nerves, leaving them no choice but to plot his murder. Everything was going as planned in the days leading up to the murder until it came time to choose a hitman. While Hammer and Vince wanted to get a professional hitman who would not leave a trace of evidence that would tie them to the murder, the girls wanted to hire someone cheaper and less professional. The girls won, the hitman was hired and they ended up paying $37.50 to that stupid Phil Spector, who thought they said "C-list movie star Lana Clarkson" and not "C-list movie star Corey Feldman." That leads us up to today; they're all feeling pretty lousy for ordering the hit of an innocent restaurant hostess while Corey walks around the house in tears, but strangely, none of it is mentioned in this week's episode. Go figure.
We kick off the episode just as we do every other episode: with a twenty-minute-long shot of Corey grunting on the toilet. I kid, I kid. It's morning, and Vince is rousing Hammer and Manny Mo out of bed. "I'll meet you guys in the living room," he says, all sinister and shit. I bet they're going to discuss Phil Spector's botched hit. Hammer tells Manny he can have first shot at the bathroom, and that he "the co-captain" will go second. I just want to take a second to say that I'm thrilled Hammer has been offered a show based on his work here. For those of you who haven't heard Hammer's recently signed an impressive deal and is going to be starring in a sitcom for the WB based on his life as a former rapper turned minister. Meanwhile, Corey and his band will be performing at the grand re-opening of Howard's Grocery Store in Elmwood, Illinois this Friday night near the recently remodeled meat counter for a six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon and a half-price deli tray.
The girls are all in the master bedroom waking up and dishing on how long it takes the men to get moving in the morning, especially since the men don't have any hair to groom. At that point, we get a shot of Hammer, rubbing his bald head and waiting on Manny Mo to finish taking a Feldman in the bathroom. Brande points out that Mercedes just wakes up, shakes, and she's ready for the day. Which, oddly enough, is how Ozzy Osbourne starts each day as well. Over in Corey's room, our hero's coughing up potent wads of phlegm and shaking like Katharine Hepburn on a roller coaster. He informs us that his throat is killing him and that it's going to be hard to be 100\%, which is probably one of the more reassuring things that his castmates have heard him utter so far. Vince and Hammer bring the daily Surreal News into the girls' bedroom and announce that they'll be engaged in a softball game today, where the men's team (led by Hammer) will take on the women's team (led by Brande) in a Surreal World Series to find out "who's legit and who should quit," making a painful reference to one of Hammer's former hits. Hammer mentally counts the number of Ferraris that song bought and paid for and then later had repossessed. Gabby asks Vince to read the horoscopes, and he asks, "Who's Cancer?" Gabby tells Vince that Corey's the Cancer in the house, and everyone laughs and agrees. Then Vince says "Aw, forget that...." And his final word -- which was probably a creative use of a combination of curse words to describe Corey in a less-than-positive light -- was removed by the censors. But I've watched and rewound the tape several times to read his lips and I've gotten it narrowed down to "Ass Pimple," "Vulva Wart," or "Sloppy Nipple Dick."