Brande and Corey are squeezed into the Surreal Phone Booth as Brande places a call to the Playboy Mansion. She gets Hugh Hefner on the line, tells him that she's there with Corey, and that Corey's getting married at the Surreal Mansion in two days and desperately wants Hef to come. Hef's doing his best to get out of it until he finally caves and decides he'll be there as long as he's allowed to come in his pajamas. It probably won't be the first time the old codger's come in his jammies, am I right ladies? Huh?! Heh heh heh heh. Hello? Is this thing on? So as Brande's asking Hef, Corey's looking all nervous like the whole wedding hinges on whether Hef will be there. I think in the back of his mind, he thinks that Hef is going to be all generous and lend Corey and Susie one of his girlfriends for their wedding night so that they can all three make pathetic codependent fake love all night long. Hef may be a bit sleazy, but I think even he draws the line with allowing Corey to slobber all over one of his many lady friends. Let's do a quick experiment here: Close your eyes for a moment and imagine yourself lying on your back in a bed and looking up to see Corey Feldman on top of you all sweaty and beet red and gritting his teeth as he finishes having violent animal sex with you. There you go. That should be a big enough jolt to your system to carry you through the rest of this recap. ["Just a note that I won't be able to edit the rest of this recap because I just went blind. Cheers!" -- Wing Chun]
Susie stops by the Surreal Mansion again; she and Corey are led outside to be alone to discuss their wedding disaster. Corey's desperately trying to say something that could somehow be misconstrued as intelligence, when he remarks that there are ups and downs to being a celebrity. And when that celebrity status is compounded with a wedding situation that they'll be broadcast on TV in front of people in a setting that will be beautiful and glamorous, it's a pretty horrific process to be going through. Once again, in his quest to be taken seriously, Corey accidentally used the words "beautiful and glamorous" when he meant "appalling and cringe-inducing." Corey and Susie sit on a bench outside; Corey's concerned that he's left Susie's wedding band at his house. Susie confides that she hasn't even gotten him a ring yet, and that his grandfather has offered the use of his personal wedding band until Corey can get out of the Surreal Mansion and they can go to K-Mart and get any wedding band that's currently on holiday clearance. Corey sternly states that he is not going to wear his grandfather's wedding band, and that he wants to wear his wedding band because that's how he wants to get married and not with a stand-in ring. I've seen starving children in the candy aisle at the grocery store with more maturity than this pompous moron. Susie sighs and asks him what exactly he wants her to do. He insinuates that she has two days left: that's ample time to go out and pick out a personal wedding band. He's a celebrity, for God's sake. Susie mentally slaps Corey across the face dozens of times until he's bleeding from the eye sockets for being such a complete and utter penis. He changes the subject and asks if she's contacted his family yet. She's only been able to get in touch with his sister. He reminds her that she was supposed to call everyone in his family and that he had already told his family to be waiting on a call from Susie. Susie slumps and said that she made five phone calls that day and just couldn't do any more after that. Seriously, PeTA should step in and stop this crap since it's obviously cruelty to a defenseless animal. Corey asks her if they're making the right decision, or if they should just call it all off. Meanwhile, behind the cameras, producers are waving their arms frantically, shaking their heads from side to side and mouthing the word "NOOOO!" over and over again. Obviously, the producers need a train wreck of a wedding to send this season waddling off to die on the side of the road like a penguin playing in heavy traffic.