Surreal Life
Softball; Pre-Wedding Jitters

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Softball; Pre-Wedding Jitters

The cast members go downstairs, where they find a cap, a glove, and a ball for each of them. Brande squeals, "It's Christmas!" Judging by her level of intelligence -- as far as we've seen it on display through the course of the series -- she probably thinks it really is December 25. Which would explain why Corey's not in the scene -- because he's "obviously" Jewish, and as I was taught in Sunday School, if Jews come out of their bedrooms on December 25, they'll burst into big Jewish flames. Brande voice-overs that she is currently on a softball team, while Hammer reminds those of you with lives who didn't already know every single trivia fact about Hammer like I did that he was a batboy for the Oakland A's and received his nickname "Hammer" after being told repeatedly that he looked like Hammering Hank Aaron. Hammer takes a lot of pride in this, which I guess beats being told when you're a kid that you look like Redd Foxx. Vince shares the fact that he almost played Varsity baseball in high school, but they told him he'd have to cut his hair and quit beating up the cheerleaders, so he decided to go with the more appropriate role of a rock and roller.

Susie shows up at the house, which throws that whole "no visitors" rule straight out the window. Corey says that they have a lot to plan for their upcoming wedding and subsequent divorce proceedings, and that he wishes that the others could feel "it" so they could all be on the same page. And what page would that happen to be, Mr. Feldman? Page 1 of Everything Revolves Around Corey And Nobody's Allowed To Challenge That? Back down in the kitchen, Corey's explaining the wedding day's schedule to everyone. The wedding will take place at noon; the rehearsal will be at 8:30 AM, so everyone will have to be up and ready to go at 6 AM. The excitement of the big day and all that it symbolizes is frozen on the faces of the other cast members. Wait...no, I'm sorry. That's the glare that says, "Eat shit, you attention-grubbing man-whore; we don't give a rat fuck about your ignorantly misguided wedding." I always get that look and an excited look mixed up. Gabby speaks up and asks if they all have to be at the rehearsal, and Corey says that Jerri does because she's videotaping the shindig. Jerri says in a voice-over that she's not worried about Corey as much as she's worried that the end result (the wedding) will be full of negativity. Which is ludicrous, because we're talking about Corey Feldman's wedding here. How can it possibly be a negative experience? Gabby says that this whole wedding disaster is taking away from the group dynamic that the show is supposed to be focusing on, and turning all the attention to Corey, Corey, Corey. You halfway expect to see a football come sailing into the picture and breaking Gabby's nose. Corey's prancing around in a fedora, trying to mimic his idol, Michael Jackson. Leave it to Corey to idolize America's most notorious serial child molester. Vince's voice-over says that he's sick of hearing about Corey's wedding, and that this whole mess is Corey's problem and not theirs. I'm starting to get the feeling that maybe the other cast members don't particularly like Corey and his numerous attempts to turn this into Corey Feldman's Surreal Life.

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Surreal Life

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