Surreal Life
Softball; Pre-Wedding Jitters

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Softball; Pre-Wedding Jitters

A guy who's obviously Jewish is ringing the doorbell and telling whoever's sober enough to find the intercom system that his name is Rabbi Brian Mayer and he's the rabbi who will be performing Corey and Susie's blessed ceremony. Corey sarcastically says to Susie that he himself looks more like a rabbi than this obviously un-Jewish Rabbi Brian guy does. Susie wisely ignores him, starting a pattern that will undoubtedly define the entire four months they remain married. We then see Corey and Rabbi Brian as Corey explains that he lives with seven other celebrities (yo...it's only six OTHER celebrities, John Nash). He reminds Rabbi Brian that Hammer will be the co-minister in this star-studded event, and wants to know Rabbi Brian's boundaries. Rabbi Brian comments that it seems like Corey and Susie just recently decided to get married. Corey says it was a "spur -- SPERM -- spur-of-the-moment thing," and then grins at both Brian and Susie to get their approval on his sleazy little joke. Seriously, this little cock-knocker has no clue as to how offensive he can be. (I'm talking about Corey, not myself. Although technically, the same rule can apply to me.) Both of them just stare at him like he's a pathetic one-eyed monkey boy. Rabbi Brian nods his head like he's trying to sympathize with Susie over her poor choice in short-term male companionship.

Corey wants to know about the rabbi's background. Rabbi Brian shares that he's been ordained Lutheran and is currently performing a one-man show titled, Religion Outside the Box. (Cue "Phonograph Needle Skipping Across Record" sound effect.) Corey's a bit stunned to find out that a hack comedian will be presiding over his wedding and simply says, "Wow," marking one of the few occasions on the show where he opened his mouth and didn't overstay his vocal welcome. Rabbi Brian is obviously enjoying this little game and asks Corey his background. Once again, Corey states that he's "obviously Jewish" and was studying for his Bar Mitzvah but never received it due to his hectic work schedule. I'm shocked he didn't take this conversational opportunity to rattle off the names of the only four movies he ever made that made any money. Rabbi Brian says, "I've got news for you...you're already Bar Mitzvahed" (Cue "Rimshot" sound effect). I'm obviously not Jewish, so Rabbi Brian shares with the viewing audience the stringent rules of the Bar Mitzvah. Apparently, when a boy of Jewish faith turns thirteen, he is officially "bar mitzvahed." He doesn't have to take a test or have a party where ZZ Top shows up to shower him with gold, frankincense, and myrrh. Thankfully, Rabbi Brian shows some restraint and doesn't call Corey a lame fucko. Corey, feeling like three shades of ass, grins and says, "Well, you learn something new every day." Rabbi Brian gives him a pen as a Bar Mitzvah gift. Corey accepts it as if it were a sincere gesture and not a joke. The hapless couple shove the good rabbi out the door as "Hava Nagila" plays in the background. Corey's concerned that Rabbi Brian is non-traditional; that frightens him a bit. Yeah, like popping the question and getting married on television ten days later to jack up the ratings of a shitty show is the norm for most happy couples.

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Surreal Life

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