Surreal Life
Softball; Pre-Wedding Jitters

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Softball; Pre-Wedding Jitters

Back in the van, Corey announces to anyone who will listen that what just took place marked the first time he's ever been a pitcher in a softball game. While several people grin widely, Jerri's the one that says it first. "I never would have guessed that," she replies in her most sarcastic voice. Corey's taken aback that anyone would dare say anything negative to him and shoots back, "I still don't understand how Jerri gets that reputation." Jerri giggles at his pathetic attempt at a comeback. In a voice-over, Corey says that comment really bothered him, and that he refuses to engage in that sort of negative activity because he's trying to act like a big boy and he's going to get married and live in a castle and live happily ever after with his princess bride. You know, as long as there's plenty of Xanax to go around.

Back at the house, everyone's eating an Italian feast that apparently Lia ("The Eighth Lifer") has prepared. The rules have completely gone out the window as far as no outsiders, cell phones, or contact with others are concerned. It's just a matter of time before Danny Bonaduce is caught eating cereal at the breakfast table. Corey walks in, grabs a bread stick, and goes off to eat by himself, since he can't seem to let the comment Jerri made in the van out of his pointed little head. Jerri says that he shouldn't attempt to push her buttons because she is quite capable of getting pretty damned negative on his ass when her buttons are pushed. Brande speaks up and yells in an authoritive tone of voice, "Do NOT push her buttons!" Corey finds none of this funny, mainly because it's giving them more screen time than he has accumulated during this scene, so he leaves in a huff and a puff. Jerri says he'd better be careful because he has a wedding coming up in a few days and he wants everything to go smoothly. And if he pisses Jerri off, she might have to make a few waves at the wedding. Anybody who has any doubt that Corey Feldman's worn out his welcome in the house after a mere week in there only needs to see this episode to realize that this infected pecker boil couldn't get along with Mother Teresa.

Brande and Corey are squeezed into the Surreal Phone Booth as Brande places a call to the Playboy Mansion. She gets Hugh Hefner on the line, tells him that she's there with Corey, and that Corey's getting married at the Surreal Mansion in two days and desperately wants Hef to come. Hef's doing his best to get out of it until he finally caves and decides he'll be there as long as he's allowed to come in his pajamas. It probably won't be the first time the old codger's come in his jammies, am I right ladies? Huh?! Heh heh heh heh. Hello? Is this thing on? So as Brande's asking Hef, Corey's looking all nervous like the whole wedding hinges on whether Hef will be there. I think in the back of his mind, he thinks that Hef is going to be all generous and lend Corey and Susie one of his girlfriends for their wedding night so that they can all three make pathetic codependent fake love all night long. Hef may be a bit sleazy, but I think even he draws the line with allowing Corey to slobber all over one of his many lady friends. Let's do a quick experiment here: Close your eyes for a moment and imagine yourself lying on your back in a bed and looking up to see Corey Feldman on top of you all sweaty and beet red and gritting his teeth as he finishes having violent animal sex with you. There you go. That should be a big enough jolt to your system to carry you through the rest of this recap. ["Just a note that I won't be able to edit the rest of this recap because I just went blind. Cheers!" -- Wing Chun]

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Surreal Life

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