Surreal Life
Vegas; Church

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Uncle Bob: B- | Grade It Now!
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Vegas; Church

Inside the church, we're greeted with Hammer's "Pray," which is really a decent song now that it's been twelve years since I had it rammed into my eardrums on a continuous basis. Hammer's in his preacher robe and is apparently going to be the guest preacher at the church today. Either that, or he's capitalizing on the television exposure and is really trying to make a bizarre fashion statement. You fooled us once with the parachute pants, Hammy. But I've got to tell you, I doubt you're going to find many people walking around looking like chunky monks tomorrow. We see a shot of the congregation and you can say what you want about the guy not being able to fill a concert hall these days, but the man can pack 'em in a church. It's wall-to-wall people in the jizzoint. Everyone's clapping and dancing in the congregation and in the choir. We catch a brief glimpse of Corey attempting to do the Macarena in a desperate but miserable attempt to try to fit in. Hammer takes the pulpit and says it's a blessing that The Surreal Life has made it here today, and then he gets right to the point: he says that he heard the voice of God, that it sounded a lot like Barry White with a head cold, and that God has told him that the people need to pray for Vince. Hammer says that Vince hasn't prayed since the loss of his daughter. When his daughter was sick, Vince prayed a great deal, but his prayers weren't answered. Vince is smiling in the congregation, but it's one of those smiles where he either can't hear a word Hammer's saying or he's still drunker than a sorority girl at her first frat party. He's wiping his eyes, so he must just still be drunk. Brande has her hand on Vince's arm and is fighting back tears. Hammer asks everyone to stand up to pray for Vince. Vince says in a voice-over that he was shocked to be singled out by Hammer, and had no idea Hammer was going to do this. Which might explain why the crazy bastard didn't dress for the occasion. C'mon, Vince. You're covered in tattoos and you wore a short-sleeved shirt unbuttoned to the waist to church. Hammer, find this guy a robe, stat!

Hammer has someone guide Vince to the pulpit, since Vince probably couldn't find his zipper at this point, let alone the pulpit in front of him. An elder says a prayer to bring peace to Vince and let him know that everything will be all right. Gabby is positively sobbing at this point, as is Jerri. Brande's close behind. Corey's trying to muster up memories of the long-lost dead dog from his childhood to help his tears along, but it's hopeless. He ran out of fake tears the night before with the Gabby incident and can't exactly call his acting coach for motivation points at a time like this. They pray that the daughter is indeed with her father but that's kinda silly because...well, you know, Vince is standing right there and his daughter isn't, so, you know...duh. That ain't the case Reverend Clueless. Oh. Uhhhhh...the guy meant "her Heavenly father" and not "Vince." Got it. My bad. Everyone's praying for Vince; tears are running down Gabby's, Jerri's, and Brande's faces. Vince has his eyes closed and then opens them quickly, realizes everyone's still praying, grins, and closes his eyes back up. Yep. He's still smashed. I wouldn't be shocked if he lets out a "woooohoooo" rather than an "Amen" at the end. Afterward, Gabby says that Vince's life was changed at that moment, and it's kinda pushy of Gabby to claim that she can tell when Vince's life has changed. Vince says that he had never experienced anything close to that in a long time. At least not since that porno guy won the last Survivor. And that night, before he went to bed, he prayed. At that point, the show fades to a photo of Vince and his daughter Skylar, both smiling and happy. It's such a touching moment that I have to get up and kick my arthritic dog just to get myself back in Uncle Bob mode.

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Surreal Life

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