Surreal Life
Vegas; Church

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Uncle Bob: B- | Grade It Now!
Vegas; Church

Meanwhile, Jerri and Brande have caught up to Gabby and apologize to her for the whole male stripper thing. As it turns out, they knew all about her mother being killed by errant flying wang and thought the whole thing would be viewed upon as a joke, but obviously as Carol Brady once said when the Brady kids used a bust of Mike's head to scare Alice one night: "Sometimes a joke can go too far and someone can get hurt." In this case, it was Gabby's mother. Well...and Gabby to an extent, but c'mon, girlfriend, it was only a joke. They all get back in the limo to head back to the bus because they have to go to church in the morning back in L.A. Yeah. That's how most people in most church congregations spend their Saturday nights: having their faces humped by strippers. That's why they're there the next morning begging for forgiveness so they can repeat the process the following week. Gots ta love ya that religion, y'all.

Back at the bus, Vince has consumed more alcohol than you'd find at a Kennedy family reunion. Hammer's concerned with getting Vince to bed safely, so Hammer's wearing the "dad" shoes this week, tucking Vince in and reading him a bedtime story. The bus heads back on the five-hour trip back to L.A. while Moby's "Natural Blues" sets the tone for what we're about to see. They all wake up and are ready to go to church. Corey finds out that he's the only one on the bus who's never been to a church before because "obviously" he's Jewish. Maybe my Jewdar ain't what it used to be, but I never really saw the connection that Feldman equals Jewish. The only thing that's "obvious" about him is that he's a bombastic infected ass boil. Talk turns to how everyone prays, and Gabby says that when she prays, she thanks God for everything he's given her and everything he hasn't given her. Corey belches out that he thanks God for everything God has given him and everything God has taken from him, too. It's not clear if this is a joke or not, but Corey plays it as being sincere. I guess he could be talking about his various addictions over the years, but if not, Corey's just inducted himself into the Dickless Wonder Hall of Fame. Corey asks Vince what his thoughts are on praying. Vince, clearly hungover, says that he prayed a lot several years ago, but it didn't seem to help. He says that he still believes in God, but after extensive research on his part, he came to the conclusion that prayers just don't work for him. Vince then admits that he wasn't praying to God, per se; he was praying to communicate with his four-year-old daughter instead of God. Apparently -- and believe me, I'm not faulting the guy in the least -- but I think he confused the power of prayer with some sort of supernatural AT&T. Hammer tells Vince that he knows Vince has not lost the faith, and that he knows that Vince aches to be in the same place that his daughter is. Vince agrees. The bus pulls up in front of an AME, church and Vince perks up because he's heard of these types of churches. Unlike the churches that his bandmates in the Crüe attend, this one isn't bathed in the blood of slaughtered lambs hanging from the rafters. Which is cool, because he's still wearing the Armani slacks and slaughtered lamb blood is a bitch to get out of those things. In a voice-over, Hammer says he felt that Vince was still hurting and Hammer wanted to give him peace. I get the impression that Vince thought he meant "piece...of ass."

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Surreal Life




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