Outside, everyone's seating themselves in their folding chairs. No lie -- Manny and Vince walk down the aisle holding hands. In a show that has Hugh Hefner showing up at a wedding where the groom's dressed in an outfit that would have drag queens screaming, "Tacky!," seeing a paunchy rock star holding hands with a former child star/dwarf...dude, that shit takes the surreal cake. Hammer and the rabbi walk down the aisle. A random woman escorts Corey down the aisle. I'm guessing it's his sister, but we're never told who it is. It could be the last remaining member of the Corey Feldman Fan Club for all I know. Corey's grateful that his entire family showed up and that "nobody came that I didn't want to see." Meaning that a haggard-looking Corey Haim must be pretty pissed outside the gates of the Surreal Mansion. Hammer says that today it wasn't Corey "Troubled" Feldman; it was "Corey "The Man" Feldman who was marrying Susie Sprague. All along, I thought it was Corey "The Diseased Enema Bag" Feldman. The ring-bearer starts down the aisle, catches a glimpse of Corey in his pimptard suit, and promptly hauls ass in the other direction. The crowd bursts out laughing because they all thought of doing the same thing when they saw him at first. As the Bridal Stomp begins to play, everyone stands up to see if the bride will actually go through with this. Corey says that seeing Susie come down the aisle, he realized that everything was perfect, just like in a fairy tale. Ah yes: the whimsical tale of The Junkie and The Part-Time Poon Muncher. One of my favorites.
Meanwhile, apparently Susie is racing the ring-bearer out the front door, both desperately trying to get out of this place before it opens up and exposes itself as the portal to Hell, because she's taking her sweet-ass time coming down the aisle. Manny Mo stands up to see if he can spot her, and Vince admonishes him, giving him a stern look and silently telling him to sit down. Like Vince is his dad or something. Sorry folks, but that's one bizarre relationship between those two. Susie finally starts walking down the aisle, dragging some befuddled derelict with her. Oh. That must be her dad. Corey says it was a dream come true for him when he saw her, meaning that most chicks would have sobered up and been shacking up with Chris from The Partridge Family by now. I'll admit, Susie has a beautiful dress. I'm no fashion hound, but it's really pretty. Of course, she's accumulating a great deal of grass stains and Mercedes shit all over her train as she walks, but that's to be expected. That's what makes it surreal. Vince is rubbing his eye, which makes it look like he's getting all weepy, but upon closer inspection, he's just checking his watch to see if this bullshit is over with yet. Hammer kicks off the ceremony, and then the rabbi chirps that Susie and Corey will be reading vows they have written for one another. I will transcribe them verbatim now. In case it's not painfully obvious, Corey's vows rhymed. More than likely, I'm guessing they're the lyrics to his new hit single "I'm Smackin' That Ass Up Tonight."