Surreal Life
Wedding; Goodbyes

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Uncle Bob: C+ | Grade It Now!
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Wedding; Goodbyes

The next morning, we see everyone's waking up. Corey announces to the cameraman that there's five hours and fifteen minutes until his wedding begins. Meanwhile, the cameraman's thinking that there's eight hours and forty minutes left until he never has to focus in on Corey Feldman's rat-shaped face ever again. Outside, the Surreal newspaper has arrived with the headline "House Braces For Feldman Wedding." On the cover, there's a picture of Corey and Susie poolside. Corey's flashing a peace sign and is sporting what seriously looks like white-boy dreadlocks, in what could only have been that brief period when he tried to be taken seriously as a gangsta rapper. Yep...straight outta Compton, here's Corey "The Obvious Jew" Feldman. Corey comes bursting into the house with the paper in his hand and yells "Guess what?!" Manny Mo yells back, "What, bro?" Corey yells back, "I got the paper!" Seriously. Like this is some kind of huge thing. Everyone gives him a hearty "YAY!" because he's finally done something around the house that didn't grate on their nerves or leave the house reeking of twenty-minute-old vegetarian excrement. Corey hands the paper to Hammer to read it. Why, I don't know. Maybe Corey can't read. I can't imagine being too shocked over that revelation. Hammer reads all about the wedding and how this wedding will be as "real as it gets." Corey's on the edge of his seat as Hammer continues. Hammer reads, "Everyone wishes the two of them a life together of happiness, love, and crazy sex!" This prompts laughter from everyone because they all remember how Corey admitted to forcing his soon-to-be wife to go out and score chicks to bring back Chez Feldman to make out with while he sits in a dark corner with large cotton panties on his head while he slaps his little German Soldier around, repeating, "Mommy reallydid love me! Mommy really did love me!"

The people producing the wedding have all shown up to start getting everything looking as beautiful as a wedding with Corey in it can possibly be. The looks on their faces show despair as they realize that this is what their lives have come to: setting up chairs for Corey Feldman's wedding. Vince has invited Lia to be there, and luckily for us horndogs at home, she's brought her big-assed fleshy fun bags with her. Whee! Slap them puppies senseless, Vinnie Man! Susie has shown up, and she's outside passing a joint around with her friends. Her friends are all, "Are you sure you want to do this?" Susie says she's sure (selling seashells by the seashore). One of her friends asks if she had at least thrown herself at former child star Meeno Peluce first, and Susie nods her head emphatically and gets all choked up. You know you're a boil on the ass of society when Meeno Peluce won't return your calls. Corey says that he didn't want to see Susie before the wedding because he wanted to build up the anticipation so that when he finally does see her it'll be magic. Not "magic" like David Copperfield magic, but more like your Uncle Lou screwing up a simple trick and pulling a mangled rabbit out of a top hat. Susie's mom gossips that when Susie was a little girl, she watched Stand By Me, and afterwards had written a note that said she was in love with Corey Feldman and that she wanted to marry him. Jesus Horatio Christ, if that's not a cry for help, I seriously don't know what is. Susie's mom should be ashamed of herself for not seeking professional help for her daughter the very moment it happened. We flash over to Susie, who's getting her hair all done up; her Mom says she looks like Elvis, and Susie gives the camera a little sneer. It's probably exactly the same one she'll be wearing in Divorce Court this summer as she glares at Corey.

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Surreal Life

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