Surreal Life
Wedding; Goodbyes

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Wedding; Goodbyes

We see Michael, who is the wedding stylist. He's dressing Corey in a fabulous vintage Louis XIV outfit. Seriously. I thought he looked like a retarded pimp, along the lines of Dolomite meets Gilbert Grape. For the sake of brevity, we'll just call him Pimptard. Pimptard looks at himself in the mirror and fancies himself a swashbuckling hero who sweeps in and gets the girl at the altar. Seriously, this guy's delirious. I know that dropping acid can really screw up your brain for the rest of your life, but does black tar heroin have the same effect? Jerri says that she's been appointed the duty of being the wedding's videographer, and that it's actually made her feel like she's part of the wedding. Let me just say, I've served as the videographer in a couple of weddings, and all it means is, "We like you, but not enough to actually put you in the wedding." So don't hold that head too high, Jer. Vince says he isn't in the wedding, as he walks around cradling a cocktail. He does make the drunken observation that everyone's dressed normally for the occasion with the exception of Corey, who has decided to go with his "shoe cobbler outfit." Oh man, that was gold, Vince...gold, I'm tellin' ya! Corey says that by having both a rabbi and a minister in his wedding, he believes he's sending a real positive message to the world -- that message being, "I'm one massively confused sonofabitch." He assigns an unnamed friend of his the job of being a witness to the wedding. The wedding certificate is shown for a split second, and has been pixilated so that we can't see the Feldmans' address. Yeah. Like somebody out there really wants to go to the trouble of stalking Corey. Corey excuses himself to go do the same thing that most grooms do as they get ready for their wedding day: he goes to put makeup on. He laughs at his own joke, which is something I can't stand in other people, although at times I sit here and write these recaps, chortling my fool head off.

Guests start showing up as everyone's still getting dressed. All of a sudden, everything stops as a limo with a Playboy logo on it pulls up. A hush falls over the crowd as Hugh Hefner pops out of the limo, accompanied by his sluts du jour. Corey stops his preparations to partake in a moment of silence as he stares out the window at his idol, a man who is just as shallow and addicted to sex as Corey is. But Hefner's made millions of dollars off his sex addiction, whereas Corey's working for scale on a show on the WB. "Here comes Hefner with all his ladies," Corey drools as if he's hypnotized. He's acting like the Pope himself just cruised up on a Harley, tossing holy water to and fro. Brande greets Hef and thanks him for coming to the wedding. Hef really doesn't know what to say because he's so old and out of it that he was under the impression he was at a board meeting. Brande takes Hef up to Corey's room and tells Corey that someone's here to see him. Corey's about to fall all over himself gushing over the guy. The scene reminds me of the beginning of The Godfather, when that Italian guy comes to see Don Corleone while his daughter's wedding's taking place outside. It's genuinely creepy. Hef tells Corey that he's there to tell him the wedding's off. Obviously, Hef wasn't briefed on the fact that Corey's about the most fragile and sensitive soul in the country and that you just don't pop in with a mindfuck like that. Corey playfully asks Hef if he is taking Susie away from him. Hef says it wouldn't be hard to do, since the gal obviously has zero self esteem and would probably follow anyone who waved a $100 bill in her face. Hef then says that too much celebrity and pop culture can sometimes get in the way of leading a normal life, but this isn't normal, this is The Surreal Life. Thanks for the helpful reminder, Hef. I'm sure plenty of people were channel-surfing and landed on the WB thinking it was Masterpiece Theater after seeing Corey prancing around like a prissy moronic shoe cobbler.

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