Surreal Life
Wedding; Goodbyes

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Uncle Bob: C+ | Grade It Now!
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Wedding; Goodbyes

Hammer calls the guys together to let Corey know that Hammer is his man. Corey reciprocates by telling Hammer that he's Hammer's bitch. Hammer doubly agrees. The four guys wish him more than the best -- they wish him happiness. Manny says that hopefully this blessed union will take Corey places that he never dreamed of before. Corey naturally thinks that Manny's talking about a rewarding career in electronics repair. Vince says the most important thing in a marriage is trust. Vince should know. You need to trust that your wife doesn't have The National Enquirer on speed dial and won't hesitate to call Mike Wallace every time you rough her up for burning a frozen pizza, eh Vinnie? Corey accepts all of this advice and thanks them without bursting into tears. He's nervous. They have the second group hug in less than ten minutes. I keep waiting for Leo Buscaglia to come back from the dead to organize the group hug to end all group hugs.

Outside, everyone's seating themselves in their folding chairs. No lie -- Manny and Vince walk down the aisle holding hands. In a show that has Hugh Hefner showing up at a wedding where the groom's dressed in an outfit that would have drag queens screaming, "Tacky!," seeing a paunchy rock star holding hands with a former child star/dwarf...dude, that shit takes the surreal cake. Hammer and the rabbi walk down the aisle. A random woman escorts Corey down the aisle. I'm guessing it's his sister, but we're never told who it is. It could be the last remaining member of the Corey Feldman Fan Club for all I know. Corey's grateful that his entire family showed up and that "nobody came that I didn't want to see." Meaning that a haggard-looking Corey Haim must be pretty pissed outside the gates of the Surreal Mansion. Hammer says that today it wasn't Corey "Troubled" Feldman; it was "Corey "The Man" Feldman who was marrying Susie Sprague. All along, I thought it was Corey "The Diseased Enema Bag" Feldman. The ring-bearer starts down the aisle, catches a glimpse of Corey in his pimptard suit, and promptly hauls ass in the other direction. The crowd bursts out laughing because they all thought of doing the same thing when they saw him at first. As the Bridal Stomp begins to play, everyone stands up to see if the bride will actually go through with this. Corey says that seeing Susie come down the aisle, he realized that everything was perfect, just like in a fairy tale. Ah yes: the whimsical tale of The Junkie and The Part-Time Poon Muncher. One of my favorites.

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Surreal Life

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