Welcome back to The Voice! Did you miss Carson Daly and his enormous head while he was gone? Me neither! If you have watched any television in the last two months you are well aware that The Voice premiered right after the Super Bowl, because why not make your East Coast audience wait out their Budweiser drunks and early onset nacho hangovers before letting them go to bed with the contestants' dulcet tones ringing through their heads? Nothing like a Voice high to keep you coming back for more, you know, Monday night when an additional two hours of auditions air.
The first minutes of the show are spent reminding us of how The Voice is so unique and different. First it has actual celebrities as judges not just a judge who is famous for being a judge (Cowell) or a judge who is famous for being drunk (Abdul) or even L.A. Reid who is famous despite being L.A. Reid, which has to be a serious handicap.
Also, unlike American Idol, here the judges are not actually judges, they are actually mentors, friends, adoptive parents. They may give you a pink guitar and let you hang out at their second assistant's uncle's empty condo with them and a camera crew. In Hollywood, that's family.
Carson Daly talks us through the process: Blind Auditions are first. The judges will hear a singer and based solely on their voice decide whether or not to have them on their team. If more than one judge turns around, the performer gets to choose whether she wants to be coached Christina Aguilera or someone who is not Christina Aguilera. Adam Levine's contestant, Javier Colon, won last year, so expect Adam to mention that at every possible moment, even though poor Javier is nowhere to be found on the charts. Anything else you need to know? I don't know, just plug your nose and let's jump in.
The first contestant on this year's competition is Raelynn a 17-year-old who has a pink bird feather in her hair AND a giant-ass hair flower a la Season Three Carrie Bradshaw, so you know she doesn't lack ambition in the accessory department. Along with her parents, she meets Carson in the newly-branded Starbucks lounge. She tells him that she is singing a Miranda Lambert song, which is risky, except that it's not really.
A few lines into the song ("Hell on Wheels," I think), Adam Levine turns around to claim her as his own. Back state her parents aren't very impressed. They are waiting anxiously for Blake Shelton to turn around. He does as soon as she mentions her pink guitar. Christina pretends to be interested with her hand hovering over the button beguilingly. Raelynn loves Blake, loves Miranda Lambert, wants to be a big country star. There's a fake fight between Adam who asks the girl, "Don't you want to be more than just a country star?" The girl chooses Blake because duh. Adam gets a fake sour puss look on his face because we are supposed to believe he actually cares if he gets one li'l girl anywhere but in his bed.