The Voice
Blind Auditions Continued, Part 3

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Carla Sparks: B+ | Grade It Now!
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Button Up or Shut Up

Christina and Adam do that thing that the person you liked in high school did where they're all, "Oh, I like you, but Cee Lo already pushed his button so what can ya do?" And then Christina was contractually obligated to remind everyone of this big "mystery twist" that is obviously that players eliminated in battle rounds could be up for grabs to other coaches. And even mentioning that as a possibility is just leading Diego on. But I like the sound of this twist, especially if it means they have to sacrifice one of their own. This is the kind of shit you sell your birthright for, right, Esau? I mean, this or a stew.

Diego tells Carson that the key in life is to be a happy person, and Carson knew not what he meant.

The next contestant is Lauren Brooke. She also grew up with "a disability," telling Carson she had dyslexia in school. Are you serious right now, The Voice? Are you really doing this to me? To Lauren? To the good television owners of America? This is an unacceptable ploy for sympathy. We can not feel for every contestant, and you will not win me over with Lauren's dyslexia. Her dead uncle, maybe, but not her learning disability. Her uncle also had a learning disability, and so she's doubly inspired. But the coaches won't know any of this. They will know that she is a country singer, and that she is pretty, in that order.

"Come on Blake," Lauren's mom cries from the back room, and then she explodes, "COME ON, DO IT!" Jesus. Loose cannon over there. Just how mysteriously did Lauren's uncle pass away? I'm not saying anything, I'll just let you look at that woman, her intensity, and her bangs, and let you draw your own conclusions.

Lauren's mom tries to yell at Adam a bit, but Lauren's pitch gets worse and worse, and all the button pushes in the world couldn't make the words line up right. Blake spouted off some stuff about how they have to be selective and sometimes good people don't get picked, but I don't think Lauren was even one of those good people today. Just keep an eye out for Lauren's mom in the parking lot, Blake. You'll know her by the high beams on her SUV, turning on just as you walk outside into the night.

The next singer, Suzanna Choffel, teaches kids "music" (making instruments sticky), and looks a little like Heather Graham. But when she's not looking like Heather Graham, she's singing like Stevie Nicks. Like, maybe too much like Stevie Nicks? But Adam doesn't care, and pushes his button. Cee Lo urges Christina to push her button with him, and Christina coyly looks to the side like a bitch. Blake pushes his button, Suzanna's family cheers, Carson craps his pants a little to convince everyone he experiences empathy.

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The Voice

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