The Voice
Blind Auditions Continued, Part 4

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Carla Sparks: C- | Grade It Now!
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Don't Quit Your Day Job

To start this episode off, the coaches are saying vague things like, "we really need to step up our game as coaches now," "all it takes is the push of a button," and, "you really just have to go for it." None of these statements actually mean anything. Adam has two spots left, Christina and Cee Lo have three spots left, and Blake has four. So they'd all better step up and go for it and get ready, you know? It is what it is.

The first contestant of the night, Sylvia Yacoub, is from Egypt. Her father brought her to America so she could have "every opportunity possible," and she's squandering all that trying to become a singer. So Sylvia is taking this particular American opportunity to over-sing "Only Girl in the World." She has good moments, but it sounds like she's just pushing too hard. With so few spots left, Sylvia's performance should not prompt any button pushing.

But Christina, after much dramatic consideration, and casual singing along, pushes her button. Blake and Cee Lo also push their buttons, though why I'm just not sure. Someone's gotta lose these battle rounds, I guess. Cee Lo had a charming moment when he silenced the room, then slowly said, "I want you to be on my team," but other than that I just don't care about Sylvia or whose team she chooses. She chooses Christina, though, for those of you playing along at home.

After Sylvia, we meet high-voiced IJ Quinn. IJ grew up on a farm, and with his high voice I'd like to hear him sing Rascal Flatts. But IJ sings some song called "Virtual Insanity," and it sounds jokey and barely recognizable. Seriously, if you were just hearing this, "blind," if you will, you would think the person was joke-singing. It's too high, too fast, too breathy. [Note: Jamiroquai would be rolling in his fluffy hat and antigravity chamber. -- RS.] In the back room, Carson and IJ's family seem to think this is right up Adam's alley. Adam does not think this is right up his alley, and no one turns around. Adam tells IJ he was straining, and IJ is like, "I literally work on a pig farm, man."

After IJ walks away, defeated, Blake notes that IJ pointed at him when he said "pig farm." Christina thinks this is the funniest thing she's heard all day/night/however long they've been in those chairs. Ha-ha-ha, pig farms are for the poor. Grammys are for the rich. Alcoholism is for everybody.

Oh no, Carson is in that god damn Voice Kia Sorento, with a glove box full of fake invitations to compete on The Voice. His next headshot, concealed in a Voice envelope, is going out to Charlie Rey. Charlie does smog tests, which I didn't really know were a thing. Not a thing I have ever thought about, anyway. My understanding is that the modern day smog test worker is like those girls who used to have to work on watches with radiation in them, or Marie Curie. Charlie's father has early stages of carbon monoxide poisoning, which has got to be a huge bummer, especially when you're poised to take over the family business. So Charlie is going to sing while he still has his voice, before his vocal chords are destroyed by the smog he protects us all from. Does this inspire me to stop driving my car? Nope, I'm going to go do doughnuts in a field, just in Charlie's honor. Woo hoo, driving is super fun I'm never gonna stop!

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The Voice

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