Next! If you ever wondered what Jon Benet Ramsey would have looked like when she inevitably became a 56-year old mom from New Jersey, may I present for your consideration Joann Rizzo? She is wearing hot pink sequins, naturally, a black and silver sequined bolero jacket that ties Daisy Duke style in the front, and peroxide blonde hair artfully arranged in pig tails. She may have saved up for some Restylane for the occasion. She's kind of adorable even if she is dressed like a Toddlers and Tiaras fourth runner up. Joann goes out on stage and sings "I Say A Little Prayer" with a Jersey accent and all her heart. No one pushes their buttons, and Joann goes back to her life in Jersey. Tragedy! But not exactly unexpected. In the almost exact words of former Mayor of D.C. Mayor Marion Berry: Bitch set you up! 'Cause they did. You weren't meant to win, sweetie, you were meant to exemplify how this show is different from that other talent show who would never let your aging lounge act on air. Sorry.
Following in the zebra-printed footsteps of Joann Rizzo is 16-year old high school student Xenia, performing the song "Break Even". Her voice is smoky and stunning coming out of a young girl with a ponytail, mall blouse, freckles and curls. Cee Lo bites first. The girl looks kind of terrified, but keeps singing and her voice is really quite amazing. Blake turns around and compliments her vibrato. Cee Lo likes the raspy tone that makes her sound much older than she is. Xenia chooses Blake because Cee Lo is pretty much creepy and his bedazzled Misfits t-shirt doesn't really make him less intimidating for a kid. That said, the chances that Xenia has heard of Blake Shelton is slim and the chances of her having watched Gwynnie sing "Forget You" on Glee are really really high (high school + singing = Glee fan. That's MATH, people, you can't argue) so I'm still going with this blind audition thing being bullshit. There is just no way that the producers are actually leaving these decisions up to the contestants. Not when they need an even number on each team. Also, not when they could be held liable for leaving an innocent 16-year old girl alone in a room with Cee Lo Green. Just sayin, and you know I'm right.