The Voice
Blind Auditions, Part 1

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Blind Auditions

First, OH MY GOD WHY DIDN'T ANYONE WARN ME THAT CARSON DALY WAS HOSTING THIS. * cough * Ahem. Anyway, hi, how are you? Come here often? Of course not because it's opening night! We're all strangers here. But none so strange as Carson Daly's continued success in life. I mean, is he married to Jimmy Iovine or something? I should google that right now, but I won't because it would distract me from the incredibly helpful judicial biographies Carson is doling out like teaspoons of sugar. It seems really wrong to ascribe the term "judicial" to both the Supreme Court of the United States as well as Adam Levine, but if the adjective fits use it. And I'm sure Adam Levine and Chief Justice John Roberts have a lot in common. Like they both have brownish hair. They could talk about that. Anyway, Carson Daly reminds us that Cee Lo Green wrote the smash hit "Forget You," which is really "Fuck You" but we must all persist in the illusion that the song was written for Gwyneth Paltrow on "Glee" and she would never ever use the F-word. (The C-word is a different story, but she saves that just for grandma. That's a FACT.)

Adam Levine is apparently meant to appeal to the hipster demographic and is clearly the "hip" guy on the show, but I assure you, he would get his ass beat down on the mean streets of Williamsburg, Brooklyn if the hipsters could bother risking their seats at the local organic artisanal coffeeshop to get up and chase him down. His hipster cred is based on the fact that he was in a band called Maroon 5, which once played a summer festival. Also, he may have slept with some models. Blake Shelton is the country judge. I know nothing about him except that he is the country judge. Also, if Keith Urban punched me in the face, there is a good possibility I would pick Blake Shelton out of the line up and blame him for the crime because they look alike. Okay not really, but I have nothing to say about this guy and he has a half-assed beard like Keith Urban and Billy Ray Cyrus and now I'm starting to think those beards are handed out in the celebrity gift bags at the Country Music Awards. Rounding out the judicial panel we have Christina Aguilera. Yeah, her. The show starts with the judges proving their cred and using their talents to prove that they are talented enough to levy judgment upon others. This is done by singing "Crazy" together. If they would all shut up for a minute I would tell you who originally sang the song, but all I can think about is the Moby sample of it, which is a humiliating fact about me, I guess. [It's Gnarls Barkley, aka Cee Lo's other musical effort. -- Angel]

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