Following in Kelsey's pretty pretty footprints, is a walking talking sob story. Jeff Jenkins just lost his mom and he sings his heart out for her. Jeff's voice is country-ish, so of course Blake struggles and struggles with his decision to ring in. Everyone else goes for it though, because the guy is good. That said, and as I'm going to hell already, Jeff is benefitting from the fact that they can't see his slightly chubby visage and 4H looks. Eventually he gets all four judges to turn around, which is obviously a great honor. Adam Levine basically begs him to work with him, so even though he is clearly country-ish and by all rights should be Blake's, Jeff picks Adam. Someone had to. Carson reminds the math- (or attention-) challenged that Adam has only one team member, meaning seven to go. Everyone else has two team members meaning six to go. Fuck, what is this the SATs? Why all the math?
Oh my god you guys, the next contestant is homeless. If she is ugly and I am forced to mention that she is both homeless AND ugly, I am going to hell and my little dog is too and it is all YOUR fault. Please be pretty, please be pretty! The girl is pretty! YES! Sadly, though, she is kinda homeless. Although as she is living in a station wagon and traveling the country playing music, she could be called a troubadour or, you know, a member of the Kings of Leon. Anyway, thank god, she is adorbs. So we're all rooting for Rebecca Loebe and then she turns "Come As You Are" into an Irishy folksy rock ballady thing and I want to punch her a lot. So obviously Christina and Adam both totally want her. Adam is impressed with her "artistry" while Christina thought it was a really really great twist on the song and would never ever cause Kurt Cobain to rise from his grave and then kill himself again. Rebecca compliments Christina a lot, but then laughably claims that Adam's career trajectory is more what she imagines for herself. So she doesn't want to be an A-list superstar who can drunkenly crawl into Jeremy Renner's bed and laugh about it the next day? She instead aspires to write bland and forgettable pop rock songs and dating models who aren't even super? Er...alrighty then. Can someone buy her a better dream journal? I won't because I am still holding a grudge over what she did to that perfectly nice Nirvana song that probably never did anything to her.
Next! If you ever wondered what Jon Benet Ramsey would have looked like when she inevitably became a 56-year old mom from New Jersey, may I present for your consideration Joann Rizzo? She is wearing hot pink sequins, naturally, a black and silver sequined bolero jacket that ties Daisy Duke style in the front, and peroxide blonde hair artfully arranged in pig tails. She may have saved up for some Restylane for the occasion. She's kind of adorable even if she is dressed like a Toddlers and Tiaras fourth runner up. Joann goes out on stage and sings "I Say A Little Prayer" with a Jersey accent and all her heart. No one pushes their buttons, and Joann goes back to her life in Jersey. Tragedy! But not exactly unexpected. In the almost exact words of former Mayor of D.C. Mayor Marion Berry: Bitch set you up! 'Cause they did. You weren't meant to win, sweetie, you were meant to exemplify how this show is different from that other talent show who would never let your aging lounge act on air. Sorry.