The Voice
Blind Auditions, Part 1

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Blind Auditions

Following in the zebra-printed footsteps of Joann Rizzo is 16-year old high school student Xenia, performing the song "Break Even". Her voice is smoky and stunning coming out of a young girl with a ponytail, mall blouse, freckles and curls. Cee Lo bites first. The girl looks kind of terrified, but keeps singing and her voice is really quite amazing. Blake turns around and compliments her vibrato. Cee Lo likes the raspy tone that makes her sound much older than she is. Xenia chooses Blake because Cee Lo is pretty much creepy and his bedazzled Misfits t-shirt doesn't really make him less intimidating for a kid. That said, the chances that Xenia has heard of Blake Shelton is slim and the chances of her having watched Gwynnie sing "Forget You" on Glee are really really high (high school + singing = Glee fan. That's MATH, people, you can't argue) so I'm still going with this blind audition thing being bullshit. There is just no way that the producers are actually leaving these decisions up to the contestants. Not when they need an even number on each team. Also, not when they could be held liable for leaving an innocent 16-year old girl alone in a room with Cee Lo Green. Just sayin, and you know I'm right.

Next up is Tje Austin who is helpfully from Austin, Texas. Wouldn't it have been super confusing if he was from Midlands or El Paso? Also, my autocorrect HATES his name, Tje, and keeps changing it to the much more common word "The," so if you see a random "The" in the middle of sentence just use your mental Wite-Out to correct it. Don't blame me, Microsoft just hates your name, dude, sorry! The guy has amazing hair, a great voice, and cowboy white parents. Cee Lo and Adam both want him, and the second Christina sees him she begs for a second chance to push the big red button, which sounds like euphemism for something dirty. The guy picks Cee Lo, because they are the only two black people in the entire auditorium. Tje runs backstage and hugs his cowboy hat wearing dad and big bosomy mom who is wearing mom jeans and probably makes a mean hot dish and, dammit, I want a hug, too.

Carson does some more math out loud and once you realize that every team is getting eight people on it, this whole competition between the judges thing seems extra pointless. Javier Colon of Connecticut is next. He brings his two adorable little girls with him to lure us to his side and get us rooting for him. He sings a sweet rendition of Cindy Lauper's "Time After Time" and accompanies himself on guitar. He does a lot of runs with his voice and Adam and Cee Lo turn around at the same time again and fake curse each other. Then Christina buzzes and gets tears in her eyes. The guy does a great, heartfelt version of the song and eventually even Blake turns around, because the guy's performance deserves that honor, even if it was just a meaningless gesture because clearly he is going with Adam. Adam stakes his claim on Javier based on the idea that he wants to * bleeping * win. Blake claims that he's already a fan. Christina, who was the third to buzz in, points out, rightly, that she is Christina freaking Aguilera. Strangely this does not sway the guy. BECAUSE HE HAS TO PICK ADAM. Like I said, this is increasingly dumb. At any rate, the guy is great and deserves to be successful. So, yeah, Adam Levine and his middling level of C-list success is definitely the guy for you. Seriously, name a song by Maroon 5. JUST ONE! No googling. Now name a song by Christina Aguilera. I have made my point.

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The Voice

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