The Voice

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Blind Auditions, Part 2

As you may have heard, The Voice (yes, this very same show) performed remarkably for the little network that promoted the living crap out of it for months. Yes, NBC was able to reap the rewards of its ad buys, social media push and hardcore pimping (seriously, does NBC wear a velvet coat, sport a gold grill, and have a mean backhand?) and The Voice reined supreme in the ratings. The little singing show that could managed to beat out ratings behemoths Glee and Dancing With the Stars. What does this mean for you? Well, mostly that this show is going to be on for the rest of your life, probably your children's lives, and probably for the rest of the life of that turtle that you inadvisably purchased during a trip to Chinatown. The Voice is here! It's queer! Get used to it!

As we return to the show, Carson Daly reminds us of the layout of the competition. You know how Ryan Seacrest is the ostensible host of American Idol The Show That Will Not Be Named and is also kind of a cheerleader for the contestants, but he just kind of stands around with a microphone a lot? So Carson Daly does that, but less so. Like, you hear his disembodied voice a lot, but he's not on camera that much. Which, trust me, is a blessing. I know this. I also know he does a lot more than that useless layabout Chris Harrison from The Bachelor/ette, who makes me want to punch holes in capitalist walls whenever I think about how much money he makes for COUNTING ROSES. Anyway. Carson's disembodied voice tries to explain this show, but, like Denise Richards: It's Complicated. So this is part two of the blind auditions, which is actually just part one of this competition, in that there are, maybe, four other parts to the singing competition, including some coaching, some vocal boxing (?), and then some voting by We the People (our forefathers fought for this right). Carson continues and... remember how your mom used to say that algebra would be really important for your life someday, but obviously she was totally lying, because when does the quadratic formula come up ever? Well, march on over to your phone or, if you're a hopeless nerd, your VoiP thing, and call your mother, because only due to her exhortations to study math will you be able to understand this show. You pretty much need to know factorials to be able to understand all the math involved in this singing competition. Or maybe a really helpful diagram? With arrows and pictures and Carson Daly's head in the middle? Get on that, Internet! Anyway, each of the four superstar judges gets eight contestants and they all fake-compete with each other. Carson assures us that the rivalry was especially heated between Christina Aguilera and Adam "Who?" Levine, which is an adorable lie. Then the contestants compete against each other and, via natural selection (but with better producers), the numbers will be whittled down by a factor of the square root of two, and then America will vote on the remainder. How many is that? Give me a graphing calculator and I will figure it out NEVER. Shut up, math, no one likes you.

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The Voice

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