The Voice
Blind Auditions Premiere

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Carla Sparks: B | Grade It Now!
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The Whims and Caprices of Adam Levine

In the spirit of camaraderie, the judges are talking each other up to open up this season of The Voice. Blake Shelton says that Adam Levine and Maroon 5 are so hot right now that you can't turn on the radio (not his stations of course, but your average radio) without hearing one of their songs. And by one of their songs he means "Pay Phone," the song that causes all the other Voice judges to rend garments when it comes on, crying, "hasn't the world consumed enough of Adam Levine?!" into the heavens.

But Blake gets the vouch of Cee Lo Green, which is priceless and garners more respect than constant play on the radio. I would always choose Cee Lo, and these contestants are foolish if they don't do the same. Also, Blake seems like a really nice guy, whereas Adam Levine is just a weasly little douchebag. Christina Aguilera's compliments for Cee Lo mean nothing, and Adam Levine says that Christina "has one of the best voices of this generation," which is why he used it for the last song we heard all over the radio.

Carson Daly, who no one is contractually obligated to vouch for, promises that the teams will be bigger (ugh, no), and a new twist "will change the show forever." Does this mean the show will be longer, or just that it won't inevitably peter out in the second half of its run?

To kick things off, the judges are singing "Start Me Up" to prove their talent and relevance. Christina's bejeweled corset reminds me of her participation in that "Lady Marmalade" redux back before most of us knew who any of these other goons were. She's the original, fellas, let's pay her some respect.

Scottish rocker Terry McDermott auditions first, and he's not just a rocker with long hair, he's the dad of a son with the exact same haircut. This haircut looks like Playmobil hair, like someone just popped it on his head. Carson showed him a video on some smartphone of some people in Scotland, and then Terry was out to perform for the backs of four chairs. He looks like Marty McFly out there, but we're more than halfway into "Teenage Wasteland" and that stingy Adam still hasn't pushed his button. For whatever reason, Blake, Adam, and Cee Lo all agree to push their buttons at the same time. I refuse to buy into the planned drama of these blind auditions.

The judges agree that Terry is legit, the "real thing" and Blake suggests that Terry follow in his footsteps and rely on his accent. Terry knows the one thing he can do is have an accent, and it has never let him and his pop-on hair down before, so he joins Team Blake.

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The Voice

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