Only three, who will it be? The hard-working underdog Will Champlin? The baby-faced belter Jacquie Lee? Or God's gift to our ears, Tessanne Chin? If you ask any of the coaches, all three have already won. But tonight in this finale results show, shit gets real and there will only be one true winner. Also at least three people will get cars and have to act like they weren't expecting it, but we all know that's a lie.
Adam Levine is in an undone tux again this evening, Cee Lo is wearing a striped, beaded shirt that must weigh about the same as Jacquie Lee, Christina looks less frightening than she did for the final performances, dripping in silver, and Blake is no longer required to give a rat's ass, but dressed up in a suit anyway. Couldn't they just bring Cole Vosbury back?
The Voice has inexplicably gotten all of the biggest superstars for its finale again. It will be even more of a miracle when those stars let these contestants sing with them. But Tessanne is so good that she can sing with Celine Dion and not ruin it. In the recap package, I notice something I missed in the performance episode. In the big dramatic ending of Will's performance of "Everything I Do" to his wife and baby, Carson is awkwardly plodding down the stairs and then stops, mostly in frame, hands twitching nervously, like a person who can't seem to not walk through someone's picture on their vacation. It is Carson's greatest performance yet.
Carson shares that half the songs on the iTunes Top 10 are occupied by performances from these contestants. The other half is probably all Beyoncé. Now the Top 20 artists from this season will reunite to sing "Tonight is the Night" and I'll see if I can even remember half of them. There's just not room for y'all in the memory bank.
The Top 3 start off super-awkwardly and it is a bad omen. But lord knows I love a group performance, especially a bad, forced one. Oh my god, Preston Pohl. I remember him -- I really thought he would make it miles farther. OK, I remember most of these goons (and Shelbie Z. and Stephanie Anne Johnson, who are not goons). I appreciate whoever turned James Wolpert's mic off for most of his solo. Ugh, I miss Cole Vosbury something fierce. He didn't even try to get on camera like some people (I'm looking at you, Grey and Olivia).
Before anything exciting can happen, Carson wants to check in with the coaches to hear all the clichés and platitudes they have to offer. Adam says all three artists in the Top 3 are great. Cee Lo talks about his magnificent disco suit (it's not a shirt -- it is a full fucking bodysuit) and congratulates the remaining artists on enduring. Christina says she's just excited that they've come to the finale and while it would be amazing to win, it has just been fun to have friends again. I'm kind of worried about Christina's social life after this. She keeps talking about how much she wants to hang out with her fellow coaches on holidays and stuff. Blake says he has presents for all of the coaches. Maybe that will keep Christina afloat.