Welcome back to The Voice. Tonight Team Adam Levine and Team Cee Lo will perform so, I don't know, gird your loins. Or go do something else for an hour, because you know, I got this. We don't both need to suffer. Before we have to stomach whatever Team Cee Lo will be dishing out for their live performance, we get to find out who "America has saved" and who we have left to die on the vast desert, dying for a sip of fame, fortune, or even YouTube notoriety. Geez, show, way to blame the audience! Now I'm going to feel all weird and guilty when Lily Elise is found blacked out in a gutter (does LA have gutters?) after she is kicked off. Let's get it over with shall we?
Carson earns his six-figure paycheck by introducing the judges (Cee Lo Green, Adam Levine, Christina Aguilera, and Blake Shelton for the forgetful) and explaining that America has been doing nothing but voting on this show all week. When the federal labor office notes a dip in the national productivity, I expect they will be sending the torches and pitchforks this-a-way. I mean all that voting via Twitter! Facebook! Phone lines! iTunes! is probably the cause of the recession.
Carson then gets to do his most favorite thing: Math. Out loud. He gives us a story problem: If the top vote getter of each team moves on to the semi-finals, and a second team member will be selected by the coach to move on to the semi-finals, how many team members will be stripped of their team membership and cast out like miserable wretches and talentless sacks of potatoes and glitter?
Before we can answer that, we get a recap of Team Christina's performance: Jersey Girl Raquel Castro donned a disco ball and some hooker shoes and sang her heart out; bald beauty Beverly McClellan wore a kilt; Lily Elise wasn't very good; and Frenchie Davis blew everyone's socks off, even if they weren't wearing socks. I know, right? She's THAT good. Carson asks Christina to explain her emotional state right now as "her girls" are lined up on stage before America's firing squad. Let's just keep in mind that teachers make $35,000 while Carson gets six figures to do this (THIS!) for a living, eh? Christina immediately tears up (hormones much? Er, rather, margaritas before work much?) and confesses that she is wildly attached to these women and can't bear the thought of losing any of them. But instead of standing up, hand on heart, and declaring that she will not rest until each of the women before her has found fame and fortune and gold records and a decent stylist and a B-level actor boyfriend, she will not eat, instead she abruptly turns off the water works and says, "It's a competition. Kill them all." Carson then announces who America saved. Well... after an extremely exaggerated pause he announces that America picked Beverley McClellan, who looks genuinely shocked, touched, and moved by her selection. Carson then turns back to Christina and tells her to pick someone to live and two to DIE DIE DIE. Or, you know, go back to their day jobs and/or high school. Christina takes a moment to say something exaggeratedly kind about each of the remaining women: Raquel is a dynamo! She has a lot of talent! Lily has incredible vocal range and soul and can really nail a note! Even in "Lady Marmalade"! Frenchie has power! And stance! And girth! And delivery! Then Christina claims that this is the hardest decision she has made in her entire life! I highly doubt this is the hardest decision you've made in your ENTIRE life, Christina. And if it is, can I have your life? OH WAIT. That wasn't Christina talking, it was her BOOBS. This is the hardest decision THEY have ever made. That makes a lot more sense. Also, can we all chip in and buy the girl a dickie? Carson gives Christina the evil eye meaning hurry ass up, woman, and Christina dithers a bit about no one being a winner or a loser, but she has to go with a superstar voice and that is... Frenchie! Which is not a surprise at all because #TeamBald is already trending on Twitter despite the fact that they need to just. stop. that. right. now.