Remember how last week Blake and Christina ordered some take out and sat around a rented house with their teams and chit chatted? Well those teams lost out and will all wish they had chosen to be on Team Cee Lo Green, because he took his team to the day spa for some treatments. The team all wear bathrobes and sit amid some peaceful bamboo wall treatments and serene potted palms and listen to Cee Lo wax on about recognizing and respecting their differences. He is wearing a black tunic with red stripes and a matching necklace and his itty bitty moustache sits blissfully upon his upper lip like a tiny Buddhist caterpillar. When he is done "mentoring," he claps his hands and a fleet of masseuses come in and pinch at the team's backs, squeezing their shoulders and give the team really lame looking fake back and neck massages. Yay?
Oh god, I think I blocked out the group performances. When we get back to the show, Cee Lo is sitting center stage in a giant afro wig behind a keyboard. Then the horror dawns on you that the whole team has gone 70s-inspired and is performing "Everyday People." Obviously nothing is more horrifying than the sight of Tori and Taylor Thompson in hippie gear banging a tambourine with feathered hair and an earnestness previously only seen on TV in the faces of the poor blighted young'uns on Toddlers & Tiaras. Seriously they are like when the Scooby Gang formed a band and sang, except much much worse. Also, what is Curtis Grimes doing singing this song? Someone should sue. The song finally, blissfully, ends and then to add insult to injury, Carson again banishes us to the social media room, where That Woman is taking credit for "Vicci" trending worldwide on Twitter and the great schlubby wonderful Jeff is waiting to publicly ogle the "legal" Thompson Sister at the encouragement of That Woman. Does anyone have one of those flaming bags of dog poop lying around that I can borrow for a minute?
Up next is Nakia on Team Cee Lo. He has his hair slicked back and barrels on stage with dancers whirling great balls of fire. There is no risk of them competing with Nakia for attention, because that guy owns the stage. The second he opens his mouth Cee Lo is dancing in his seat. The crowd is going wild as Nakia sings "Your Sex is on Fire" by Kings of Leon, and they don't stop when the song is over. He was amazing and Carson has no choice but to try and talk over the roar of the crowd. The judges are all completely wowed. Blake's sex is on fire and it's after 10 p.m. and there is nothing that the FCC can do about it. Other thing said about his performance: "Sex on fire takes Nakia out of his comfort zone." It's better when it is out of context.