Welcome back to The Voice. Tonight Team Adam Levine and Team Cee Lo will perform so, I don't know, gird your loins. Or go do something else for an hour, because you know, I got this. We don't both need to suffer. Before we have to stomach whatever Team Cee Lo will be dishing out for their live performance, we get to find out who "America has saved" and who we have left to die on the vast desert, dying for a sip of fame, fortune, or even YouTube notoriety. Geez, show, way to blame the audience! Now I'm going to feel all weird and guilty when Lily Elise is found blacked out in a gutter (does LA have gutters?) after she is kicked off. Let's get it over with shall we?
Carson earns his six-figure paycheck by introducing the judges (Cee Lo Green, Adam Levine, Christina Aguilera, and Blake Shelton for the forgetful) and explaining that America has been doing nothing but voting on this show all week. When the federal labor office notes a dip in the national productivity, I expect they will be sending the torches and pitchforks this-a-way. I mean all that voting via Twitter! Facebook! Phone lines! iTunes! is probably the cause of the recession.
Carson then gets to do his most favorite thing: Math. Out loud. He gives us a story problem: If the top vote getter of each team moves on to the semi-finals, and a second team member will be selected by the coach to move on to the semi-finals, how many team members will be stripped of their team membership and cast out like miserable wretches and talentless sacks of potatoes and glitter?
Before we can answer that, we get a recap of Team Christina's performance: Jersey Girl Raquel Castro donned a disco ball and some hooker shoes and sang her heart out; bald beauty Beverly McClellan wore a kilt; Lily Elise wasn't very good; and Frenchie Davis blew everyone's socks off, even if they weren't wearing socks. I know, right? She's THAT good. Carson asks Christina to explain her emotional state right now as "her girls" are lined up on stage before America's firing squad. Let's just keep in mind that teachers make $35,000 while Carson gets six figures to do this (THIS!) for a living, eh? Christina immediately tears up (hormones much? Er, rather, margaritas before work much?) and confesses that she is wildly attached to these women and can't bear the thought of losing any of them. But instead of standing up, hand on heart, and declaring that she will not rest until each of the women before her has found fame and fortune and gold records and a decent stylist and a B-level actor boyfriend, she will not eat, instead she abruptly turns off the water works and says, "It's a competition. Kill them all." Carson then announces who America saved. Well... after an extremely exaggerated pause he announces that America picked Beverley McClellan, who looks genuinely shocked, touched, and moved by her selection. Carson then turns back to Christina and tells her to pick someone to live and two to DIE DIE DIE. Or, you know, go back to their day jobs and/or high school. Christina takes a moment to say something exaggeratedly kind about each of the remaining women: Raquel is a dynamo! She has a lot of talent! Lily has incredible vocal range and soul and can really nail a note! Even in "Lady Marmalade"! Frenchie has power! And stance! And girth! And delivery! Then Christina claims that this is the hardest decision she has made in her entire life! I highly doubt this is the hardest decision you've made in your ENTIRE life, Christina. And if it is, can I have your life? OH WAIT. That wasn't Christina talking, it was her BOOBS. This is the hardest decision THEY have ever made. That makes a lot more sense. Also, can we all chip in and buy the girl a dickie? Carson gives Christina the evil eye meaning hurry ass up, woman, and Christina dithers a bit about no one being a winner or a loser, but she has to go with a superstar voice and that is... Frenchie! Which is not a surprise at all because #TeamBald is already trending on Twitter despite the fact that they need to just. stop. that. right. now.
Frenchie looks touched/relieved, even though there was no way that this show was letting Frenchie go. Lily and Raquel knew they never stood a chance against Frenchie, so while Carson keeps talking and the crowd shrieks, the women all completely ignore him. Although, he's probably used to that. Carson asks Frenchie for a few words about having her idol Christina Aguilera save her. Oh Jesus, it's not like she performed CPR or ran into a burning building, she just picked the best singer out of three options. Carson determines that Frenchie is happy about this joyous occasion. Hardcore journalism here, folks. Before we can relax with some commercials, Carson banishes us to the social media room where the members of Team Blake, Team Adam, and Team Cee Lo are desperately trying to make their name trend on Twitter as that is the only escape from this room and That Woman who really needs to find a new line of work. Unless, shudder to think, having a social media correspondent is the way of the future. Oh the horror! Oh the humanity!
After the commercial break, Team Cee Lo takes the stage. First up are Tori and Taylor Thompson, performing a song by The Andrews Sisters in matching patriotic outfits, because it is Flag Day. Which is why we all had the day off from work. The girls get their jazz hands out and burst onto the stage with an act straight out of the USO. Even Cee Lo doesn't look impressed with their weird derivative performance, although to be fair he said that they had to nail it to stand out. It's just so kitschy as they sing about the Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy From Company B with the horns blaring and the soldier boys in khakis. It's more like a fun Fourth of July party trick than a gauntlet being thrown down. Well at least they have another song for the state fair circuit. When the song ends, Carson rushes the stage, because he is more excited about the fact that it is FLAG DAY than he has been about anything else on the show to date.
Adam claims he thought it was great, but he has to say that, because he encouraged Cee Lo to pick the song, which was obvious sabotage. Blake Shelton just wants to talk about the girls' itty bitty dresses and he salutes Cee Lo for selecting them. Christina makes sure to bring it all back to her and asks if the girls stole their look from her "Candyman" video. The one where she comes through the mirror and slaughters people after they say her name three times? I don't see the similarity. Cee Lo thought the duo were fantastic, or at least, fun to play puppetmaster with for an hour.
First up for Team Adam is Casey Weston who will be performing "Black Horse and the Cherry Tree" by KT Tunstall. Some day I will get a medal for my ability to Google this stuff so quickly. During the behind-the-scenes practice sessions, Adam is encouraging Casey to perform really energetically and she is fighting back because she is more of a slow ballady type girl and he is trying to make her be Taylor Swift. He nods, yes, yes he is. So when Casey comes on stage she is fully coiffed like little Taylor. Her performance is accompanied by two women singing back-up in matching leather pants and sparkly shirts, and three men playing drums on upside down plastic buckets. Casey accompanies herself on guitar and gets in touch with her inner Tay Tay while she sings. Carson seems impressed by the performance, like he didn't think she had it in her. Blake tells her that he is about to download her song from iTunes and, thus, vote for her. Christina thought she has a beautiful voice, but may have been overpowered by her back-up singers and her guitar. Also, by Cee Lo's super sparkly jacket. Adam clenches his jaw and looks pissed while Christina is talking. Cee Lo thought she was pretty good, but nothing compared to what he has coming up from his team. Adam punches him in the gut and tells Casey she was wonderful. In fact, she "nailed it."
As we prepare for the next performance, Blake Shelton finally admits that he does not have water in his cup and then picks a fight with Carson for constantly reminding him that he will have to execute two of his new "children" at the end of the show. Carson shrugs (actually, we all do) and then we turn to Vicci Martinez, on Team Cee Lo. She is performing "Jolene" by Dolly Parton. I didn't have to Google that, what does that say about me? That I like big haired women who know how to wear rhinestones? Amen to that. Vicci's rendition of the song starts out quietly in the crowd with a darkened auditorium as she strums her guitar. After one line, she hands off the guitar and heads to the main stage. She has an amazing voice, but you keep waiting for the song to kick into high gear and deliver some up-tempo moments, but it was solid an