Welcome back to The Voice. After posting last week's recap, someone accused me of being angry and the accusation came via Twitter, and not, say, an anonymous blog comment, so I was really confused. Is nowhere safe? I assure you, I was not angry. I was, in fact, bored. Really bored. I mean, when a network decides to stretch out a show over four weeks instead of editing it properly and airing it over two shows, that is what happens to the audience. Boredom. Serious, existential, examine-your-life choices boredom. I mean, it took a freakin' month (that's a MOON CYCLE, you hippies) for them to weed out the losers and let America get their hands on the winners. If there was a hint of anger, it's just because the emaciated and reanimated corpse of Carson Daly was on my tv for four weeks. That's enough to send anyone over the edge. Don't front, it's true.
This week, though, we are in for some live action good times. And I think we get to vote? I don't know. I'm a stranger here myself. All I know is that backstage, the ghost of Carson Daly is pulling on his Ryan Seacrest mask and is going to host the heck out of this bitch. Let's do this thing, America!
OH NOES! Portions of the show have been pre-recorded! And, no shit, we are being forced to sit through a live performance by the judges. Maybe we get to vote one of them off, too? That would make this show AWESOME. Adam Levine walks on stage and starts singing a Queen song. I would tell you which song it is, except Adam "I Work Best In A Studio" Levine is so busy trying to find the right key to sing in that my head exploded before I could note what song it was specifically that he was mangling. Any of you who have written in trying to convince me that Adam Levine could really sing, you are wrong. WRONG. And I will never believe anything you say never ever ever infinity.
From the audience (I think he is using some lucky audience members for supportlike this) Cee Lo joins in the song. He hits his notes, but I am so distracted by the fact that he is not wearing glasses and his proto-eyes are bulging softly from his cheeks that I forget to listen. Again. Blake Shelton's hulking frame rises up and joins in a round of "We Are the Champions" and he sounds incredibly uncomfortable singing the song, because, it's not country. The combined forces of their star power do not make this song easy on the ears. Seriously there have been far FAR superior performances of this song on American Idol.