The Voice
Live Quarterfinals

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Judge-ment Day

As the song winds down, the menfolk all gather on stage and point as Christina rises from the fog in a pair of short shorts that are so unflattering and high-waisted that I fully expect Clinton Kelly and Stacy London to run on stage and insist she remove them right now. Also, she seems intent on using copious hair extensions to hide her fashion don'ts, but they aren't working. There isn't a wig in the world that could fix those shorts. Good lord, Christina, you have to be able to afford a better stylist than whoever put you in that outfit. As the song ends, the crowd cheers and the stars all accept the applause as their right and sustenance.

Then Carson comes out and reminds us of the long strange drawn out boring ass trip it has been. Starting with the blind auditions, which we do remember, because they were interesting and fun to watch, if completely contrived. Then the so-called Battle Rounds with teammate pitted against teammate, singing cover songs with the encouragement of not only the superstar coaches, but also some extra-special mentors. I am reminding you of this just in case you felt the need to huff some gas and/or slam your head in a car door a few times just to perk yourself up after the doldrums of the month-long Battle Rounds and blacked out and forgot the last few weeks of scintillating competition. I still wish that the Battle Rounds involved protective head gear and giant foam mallets.

Anyhoo. Carson ...hold up. Will someone please feed Carson a cheeseburger? His emaciated frame is making me want to donate just pennies a day to make sure he gets at least one full healthful meal a day. Carson reminds us that each of the superstar judges have teams of four singers who will be competing against each other. Apparently, we the people will not be voting on the performances, but rather can save one member from each team. Or something? I am going to guess this will become fairly obvious soon. Apparently all four teams will NOT be competing tonight, rather, only Christina's and Blake's teams will be singing. Carson attempts to drum up some drama and spark a fierce rivalry between the teams, but neither Christina nor Blake seem particularly interested in starting a Warriors-style turf war over rights to the stage. Christina is undoubtedly weighed down by the massive wig on her head and is hesitant to strike first, while Blake is, I don't know, unclear on the concept? Too chivalrous to fight a girl (but not too gentlemanly to not cheat on his wife! Just sayin'.) Besides I would totally bet on Christina if it came to a brawl. That girl probably has a shiv hidden in her cleavage and she WOULD cut you.

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