Welcome back to The Voice. I have no idea what is going to happen tonight. Do you? Are we finally going to get the Battle Royale and some lycra action? I really want to see Nakia in lycra. Hahaha. America is not ready for that.
And America is definitely not ready to see Xenia perform again, so instead let's have her battle Dia with a giant foam mallet, eh? I think that would be much more relaxing than watching Xenia look like a frightened and enslaved rabbit who has been fluffed and painted and all dressed up in her big girl pants and forced to perform on live TV or else she will be boiled, shredded and turned into bunny empanadas. Otherwise it was a totally enjoyable performance. And since Blake decided he could effectuate change (did he moonlight as a presidential speechwriter before making it as a country star? Where's Pop Up Video when you need it?) was to choose Xenia over his other two team members who are already lost in a sea of oblivion. So Xenia is now going to compete in the semi-finals until she is put out of her misery by America in the world's greatest act of mercy killing. Seriously, a nun would vote to put her down in the next round. Well, I haven't seen her perform yet, but I am guessing that unless she started mainlining Xanax she is probably still going to be a nervous wreck with a lovely voice.
Carson comes on stage to remind us that we are live! I am alive! And that we are going into our semi-final rounds. He gives us a brief recap of last week's events (Christina chose Frenchie; while America picked Beverly; Team Bald happened. Also, America chose Dia; Blake responded with a giant practical joke and chose Xenia. Team Adam massacred a Beatles' song, which probably cost NBC $400, 000 to license for the show and Cee Lo wore a fright wig, but it was Tori and Taylor Thomsen who were truly scary in their rendition of "Everyday People." And now we are here. Carson is quite excited that they are going to attempt to fill two hours of air time by having eight people sing competitively while Blake Shelton will sing something out of his yokel songbook (he cheers really loud for himself, which seems unnecessary) and Maroon 5 will premiere a sure-to-be hit. Oh shit, I'm totally going to hear my first Maroon 5 song. Now what will I say to make everyone drink during a rousing round of "I've Never"?
Carson reminds us that we have some serious vegetabley work to do before we can get to our dessert of Maroon 5 performing. Ugh, can I have more vegetables? We have to find out which members of Cee Lo's and Adam's teams are moving forward in the competition. Who did America pick? Who will Cee Lo pick? This is compelling television folks! That's why this show is the number one most watched show in the country for five weeks running. That and we are very easily entertained and distracted by flashing lights and shiny stuff like oh hey Cee Lo is wearing a three-string pearl necklace with his athletic suit. He is pretty much dressed like a Mt. Holyoke girl in her best sweatshirt and pearls. That's totally adorbs, Cee Lo! Your mom must be super proud of your ability to accessorize.