It's here, it's here! Cher's going to perform! Oh, and we will find out the winner of Season Four, but that will hardly take a second. And Carson has so much bullshit lined up for us that he had to make the episode two hours long. It's a celebration of nothing in particular. Adam is wearing a suit, Usher's suit is camouflage and he's wearing his glasses in support of Michelle. It's Blake's birthday, evidently.
Carson introduces "three of the most talented artists in the country," leading me to wonder which Swon Brother he's leaving out with that statement? A duo has never made it so far to require new verbiage. Carson has the lineup for this evening: Pitbull, Christina Aguilera, OneRepublic, Florida Georgia Line, Nelly, Bruno Mars, Bob Seger, Hunter Hayes, and who cares about any of that because Cher is here. The only thing that could make this unforgettable is an appearance by maybe-drunk Vin Diesel.
Carson rolls a recap clip package of the final performances. It really seems like Danielle Bradbery will win, or at least that she is Blake's favorite. Reality singing competitions have, in the end, gone to country music fans. They have the best text voting plans. Carson shares that more than half the spots on the iTunes Top 10 are occupied by the top three artists, at least at some point in the last 24 hours they were.
Singing together, not separately as billed, it's Pitbull and Christina Aguilera singing their new meaningless single, "Feel This Moment." Before I get to my main objective: criticizing the stupidity of that song title, I want to talk about Christina Aguilera. What is she doing? If you'd told her five years ago she'd only be singing collaborations, and that she'd be repeating "I just wanna feel this moment" behind Pitbull and a group of denim diaper wearing dancers, she would have projectile vomited into your face. Right into your eyes. That's how disgusted she would feel.
Christina is lowered on her pedestal so she can join Pitbull in the middle of the stage and half-heartedly grind against him, though she still knows in her heart that she's above it. Shakira watches the performance politely. Christina walks down one of the catwalks and desperately tries to get Adam's attention. Adam pretends not to notice. Christina tiredly fusses with that dumb outfit they put her in--a bodycon pencil skirt, a hot pink bra and a chainmail half-shirt. Usher and Adam have the same look on their faces watching. Is it pity? Sorrow, maybe? Polite support but professional distance?