The Voice

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American Gladiators

Christina goes to meet her team. Christina is wearing a polka-dot shirt that harks back to her time in the Mickey Mouse Club. Only now she has her considerable boobage packed in, and the polka dots are pleading for mercy. Christina walks into a loft where her team is lined up like over-pancake-make-upped ducks in a shooting gallery. Christina briefly explains that they are going to go up against each other in battle, she will choose the pairings, and she will coach them, and she will decide who has failed to perform adequately and should be sent home. I don't think Christina is paid to think, so maybe the extra advisors are there to do the hard thinky-thinky part? Then Christina pairs up the only two black women on her team to go head-to-head over Beyonce's "Single Ladies." Tarralyn and Frenchie gasp in horror and excitement. Tarralyn claims she knew that Christina was going to pit her against the disqualified American Idol contestant, Frenchie, because it just made sense. They are both strong singers and one of them must DIE... or, you know, go home and cry in the bathtub with a glass of wine.

Christina explains that she wanted an up-tempo song to challenge the ladies. Then Tarralyn, Frenchie, and Christina move to another part of the building with Sia -- the extra coach -- and a pianist to rehearse the song. This is all ridiculously fast-paced and rushed and I am almost (ALMOST) wishing they had left this show at two hours. I mean, I don't even know why Sia is there, they aren't bothering to give anyone title cards, it's cutting from one scene to the next, you can't tell how much time is passing, it's kind of making me hyperventilate. You know what I need? WINE. Jesus. Or Jesus transubstantiated into wine. Anyway, where was I? Right so they practice REALLY REALLY quickly and then Sia and Christina sit down on a very white couch in some room with Frenchie and tell her she has a tendency to sing sharp. She feigns surprise. Then they sit down with Tarralyn and tell her some undermine-y thing that is supposed to pass as constructive.

Then we cut to this giant boxing ring thing that they have set up on stage to really give the room that soup├žon of competition that it was missing before. I mean, if you don't think interior decorating is that important, just put a boxing ring in the middle of your living room and see who you feel like punching. So Frenchie and Tarralyn are feeling a bit tense so Christina shrieks, "IS THAT TENSION I FEEL?!" Then she yells it again and goes, "WOO!" Like, suddenly you realize that, yes, indeed, Christina Aguilera is not a girl you want to have at a party in your home/ hotel room/trailer park, because she will start shrieking really obvious observations at the top of her considerable lungs and it will be awkward. I mean, she probably only gets louder when she's drunk, right? Tarralyn and Frenchie pretend it's all good, but Christina just keeps shrieking about all the tension and finally they shrug, 'cause yeah, they are kinda tense what with all this damn shrieking and performing in front of a national audience that is larger than the population of Guam.

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The Voice

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