Welcome back to The Voice. As last week was titled "Battles, Part 1," I am going out on a limb to assume that this is "Battles, Part 2," but who knows, they could get wacky and this week they could replace the contestants with actual guinea pigs dressed up like people and the coaches must teach them to sing "The Star Spangled Banner" at least as well as drunk Christina Aguilera. Don't pretend you wouldn't watch the fuck out of that video. It would be SO viral and get about a million YouTube hits the first day. It would probably get better ratings than anything on the CW. Now I am super excited to see what's in store for us this week! Let's get this party started.
As you may remember from last week because you read the recap that I so painstakingly wrote for you. Yes, YOU. The one sinking down in your off-brand Herman Miller office chair hoping that your nosy cubicle mate doesn't notice that you're not looking at an Excel spreadsheet or researching legal briefs, but are, instead, very sensibly reading this very recap. I mean, your job owes you at least 45 minutes of goofing off time. It's built into the corporate budgets. No, really! Go ask HR. So last week the judges, ...er, coaches, had to play Greek gods (or maybe "The Hills Have Eyes") and pit their own children against each other in a battle to the death ...of their dream.
Then each coach inexplicably hired some help because actually coaching singers is annoying or hard or something and they stars just couldn't handle the pressure. So Christina Aguilera brought in Sia and they chose American Idol reject Frenchie as the winner after a strangely un-rousing version of Beyonce's "Single Ladies." Blake Shelton brought Reba McEntire out to help put stalwart straight man Cowboy Patrick on the path to a career washing dishes in Nashville. Adam Levine brought his own personal music director (who is not a famous celebrity at all) to choose young upstart Casey over father of twelve who now has no way to feed his children. If you see him busking in subways for the love of god give him a quarter and an energy bar. It's the least you can do. Well not doing anything is technically the least, but it's the least you can do without being a horrible human being who will not survive the rapture. Then Cee Lo and Multi-Platinum Recording Artist Monica coached two vivacious young women to create the best duet anyone had ever heard on this show ever. But it was Viki, not Nikki, who prevailed and will move on to the live competition. Which is far superior to the dead competition where extras from all the zombies movies that Hollywood has been putting out lately fight each other in an arena dressed in spandex, battling for a bit part in season two of The Walking Dead. Actually, that sounds kind of awesome. Or at least more compelling than Desperate Housewives.