Welcome back to The Voice. While I have no evidence to support my hypothesis, I am going out on a limb and guessing that this episode will be comprised of people singing duets of hit songs. Again. I know that these so-called battle rounds are necessary to whittle the flock, thin the herd, and remove the wheat from the chaff. (And that is the total of things I know about farming.) I know this, yet at the same time: It's repetitive. Perhaps verging on boring. I know it's different competitors singing different songs hoping and dreaming to make it to the next round, but still I find myself, dare I say? Bored. I know, I know, sacrilege. This does not mean it is not true. Search your soul (it's like Googling via your belly button) and just try to tell me I am wrong.
And since I'm feeling old and crotchety and fist shaking, I am still confused as to why the very successful recording artists Cee Lo Green, Blake Shelton, and Christina Freakin' Aguilera -- who are ostensibly coaches and mentors to the contestants -- are deemed incapable of actually coaching and mentoring the contestants and have brought in back-up coaches and mentors. I mean, we all know why Adam Levine needed help, but Christina Aguilera really can't handle doling out advice to a 22-year-old all by herself? And if she can't handle it, why is Australian recording artist Sia any better at it? And why was Christina given the job of coach in the first place if she can't manage the great responsibilities? I have questions! And no answers. I bet Carson Daly has answers. I bet he keeps them in his pocket and strokes them whenever he starts feeling lonely and says quietly to himself, "Precious. My precious."
Anyway, where were we? Oh, right: Welcome back to The Voice! Carson helpfully reminds us that math is a thing, unless you're in England and then maths is a thing. Carson ponders the story problem and then calculates for about ten minutes using a complex algebraic formula and some geometric proofs in order to determine that each coach has two people on their team. Then, the battle rounds continue.
Christina goes first, because, you know, ladies first. She is wearing the same dress as last week and the week before. Either she is as drunk as US Weekly makes her out to be or I am. I have a third complaint: Couldn't the show have tried just a little to make us feel like they didn't just shoot the entire season in an afternoon? I mean, really. Put some effort into it! And by effort I mean shoving Christina's gruesome twosome *ahem* into a different skin tight and revealing dress after each round just for the illusion that this show took some actual time and effort. Seriously these eternal battles make me wish the show was two hours and we could hurry the damn things up.