The Voice
The Battles, Part 3

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ective heads. It just sounded so darn weird that no one quite knows what to say. Adam shrugs and says, "Serabee?" Like it's a question with no right answer. Cee Lo still loves Dia and Christina stands resolute in her desire to have no opinion because it sounded like crap. I respect that. Blake Shelton chooses Dia, but tweets: "Had to go with my gut. This is a tough position to be in." Which either refers to the position of choosing the lesser of two evils, or to eating two chimichangas from a 7-11 and having them sitting in his gut while he tries to listen to this duet. Either way, sucks to be you, Blake. Dia looks stunned that she keeps moving on in the competition. Her voice is... odd. It's good, but hard to categorize. It's hard to tell if she is trying at all. I guess if her talent is that effortless then she should continue on in the competition. Anyway, what do I know? I like J. Mascis and he sounds like a goat who gargled with broken gin bottles.

Next is Team Adam. He is pairing Rebecca (the girl who murdered a Nirvana song during the auditions) against Devon (the Doogie Howser lookalike) to sing Radiohead's "Creep." Um...what? Adam thought the song was dark and interesting and the opposite of dark is Devon and Rebecca. Way to set up your team for success! Also, THIS IS A REALLY WEIRD SONG TO CHOOSE. Adding to the challenge, Devon has apparently never heard the song before... and I don't think they even played it for him before making him sing it on national television. Adam just helpfully told him to "get in touch with his inner freak." Clearly Rebecca has no qualms about destroying iconic songs from the college music scene, so she'll do fine, but poor Devon. Although, he is doing college wrong if he hasn't ever heard Radiohead. He looks like he's going to need to mainline some antacids to get through this. Carson at least correctly describes Devon as a "pre-med" student, which is FAR more accurate than what they called him during the auditions, which was a medical student and was also wrong.

The contestants come on stage and start singing. They do what they can with it, but it's got some serious pitch changes, pacing quirks, and strange lyrics and it makes for one weird ass duet. The audience goes wild as the song ends, probably because they all really wanted it to end. Blake doesn't think Adam should pick either of them because they sound so good together, which seems like a flat out lie. Maybe he wasn't listening. Maybe he was thinking about chimichangas. Christina is still pissed at Rebecca for choosing Team Adam over her, so she says Devon won that round. Cee Lo thought they sounded great together, but also votes Devon. Adam does his fake deliberation thing and then picks Devon, too. Rebecca is banished back to her car where she can roam the country decimating perfectly nice songs at college coffee houses, Burning Man, and drum circles, whenever and wherever she wants. Adam leaps on stage and gives her a two-armed bear hug for good luck.

Last but not least, Team Cee Lo. Tori and Taylor Thompson, the Christian mall rats from the state fair circuit, are paired against European YouTube singing sensation Kelsey Rey to sing Natasha Bedingfield's "Unwritten." You would think that song had been beaten to death by years and years of American Idol auditions, but apparently Natasha is willing to let the atrocities continue because she likes royalties as much as the next one-hit wonder. If she's not a one-hit wonder, please don't write me and tell me, I don't want to know. The girls head backstage to meet with Cee Lo and Multi-Platinum Recording Artist Monica. Obviously they have all heard the song, sung it in their showers, made it out to it in the backseat of their boyfriends' Nissans. This does not stop one of the Thompson (Not) Twins (Tori? Taylor?) from hitting a sour note and bringing the whole rehearsal to a grinding halt while everyone stops and stares at her. The brief moment of off-keyness makes you realize how good these singers are in general. I mean, that one bad note really stood out. The girl is forced to pretend she is Justin Bieber's girlfriend for five hours as penance.

Then it is performance time. Kelsey is dressed to the nines in skin tight sequins, while the Thompson (Not) Twins pray to Jesus in the corner and adjust their Delia*s discount dresses before hitting the stage. The song starts and the girls' voices really work together. It's a bundle of adorableness with no sour notes in sight. At the end of the song, everyone claps politely and makes "awwwwwwww" noises like they are watching the cutest LOL cat video ever. Adam won't choose because all the girls are cute and legal and maybe he can get some action. Blake thinks that they were all great, but that Kelsey is more seasoned and he would give it to her. Christina opts for the Thompson (Not) Twins because she is threatened by Kelsey's use of sequins and lack of wig. Cee Lo defers momentarily to Multi-Platinum Recording Artist Monica who doesn't really take a stand one way or the other (Kelsey is a veteran; the girls are blank slates) and then eventually after some very sincere knucklebiting, Cee Lo declares the Thompson (Not) Twins the winners. If we were to think of Cee Lo as some Barney Stinson-style lothario, I would suspect he rejected Kelsey just so she would be broken and he could help her pick up the pieces, if you know what I mean. The Thompson (Not) Twins squeal like gleeful piggies unaware of their fate at the country fair and rush back to their parents to thank god. Then they group hug and make a noise so odd that I rewound four times trying to figure it out and I am just plain stumped. It sounds like a family of kitty cats saying "Rowr." I don't know. Maybe The Soup will explain it?

Carson reminds us that now each team has THREE members and we have only one more week of battle rounds. Stay tuned for Carson to figure out what that means math-wise.

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The Voice




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