The Voice
The Battles, Part 4

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While You Were Sleeping

Then it is time for the Battles: Shy Girl Edition. Sara and ... oh shit, her name is XENIA? I did not know that at all. This is why title cards are key. Anyway, the song was kind of a clusterfuck of shyness with both girls singing really quietly and then remembering that they are competing and wailing a little. Both missed notes, both warbled wobbily, both were shaking in their ankle boots. At the end of the song, Carson says something like, "Let's just let that... er, sink in for a minute." Cee Lo has nothing to say about that mess. Christina tries to be motherly and offers some vague platitudes to both girls. Adam is forthright: It wasn't the right song. It was pitchy. It wasn't great. Blake almost looks offended, but then realizes that Adam is right. Then he chooses Xenia to move on, because why not. They both sucked and Xenia, at least, has that all-important star asset: BACK STORY. Carson reminds us that Team Blake now has Patrick Thomas, Jarod Blake, Dia Frampton, and Xenia. Yeah, before you all let Blake brand you, Texas style, be aware that Team Blake is going down. Two uncharismatic girls, a yodeler, and someone's dad? No.

Christina Aguilera is next. I really think this show needs a heck of a lot more Christina. I mean, isn't she the reason that we are all here up late on a school night? Christina decides that she wants her two remaining contestants, back up singer and songwriter Cherie and college student Lily Elise, to sing the Kelly Clarkson song, "Since You Been Gone." Christina knows that Cherie is a little bit country and Lily is a little bit soul, so she chose a song that was a little bit pop, so they will be sure to sing it badly. Or at least worse than she would sing it. Can't have anyone sing better than her, now can we? It would be unseemly. Christina and her assistant mentor Australian pop singer Sia, work through the song with the girls. There is nothing interesting to report. No tears, no elbowing, just girls singing.

The battle round begins. Lily Elise bounds into the ring in tiny leather hoochie shorts, a sleeveless hoodie (an article of clothing that can die a thousand deaths, in my humble opinion), and red patent leather heels, looking sexy for the camera. Cut to her sweet spectacled aged parents in the green room and her dad aw shucking that his little girl's a fighter. It's a juxtaposition that makes me embarrassed for everyone. Me especially. The song starts out a little pitchy with both girls struggling to find their footing in the song. By the end of the song they are wailing. Carson directs our attention to the judges: Adam Levine talks about crazy energy, but doesn't display any as he stares shark eyed at the girls. Blake was going to say something, but Reba grabs the microphone out of his hand, because she wants to say hello to Cherie who co-wrote Reba's number one single and they have never met. Cherie waves hello while the audience blinks in confusion. The girl wrote a number one song and still wants to be degraded on national television for a shot at celebrity? Where are her parents to talk her out of this nonsense? Christina is about to make her decision when the producers insert some artificial drama with commercials for chicken and car parts. When we return, Christina opts for Lily Elise. Guess Cherie is going to have to fall back on that wildly successful career of songwriting. Lily joins Frenchie Davis, Beverley McClellan, and Raquel Castro on Team Christina. They are getting matching leopard print unitards so they will look like a half bald version of Josie and the Pussycats.

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The Voice




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