The Voice
The Blind Auditions, Part 5

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Rachel Stein: B+ | Grade It Now!
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Swing Low

He's singing "The Man Who Can't Be Moved" and y'all, he's got this sexy raspy voice! But is it The? No one's turning around by the time he's at the chorus and now David's getting a little shaky. Cee Lo is singing along, so we at least know he's not dead. Aw, no one pushed their button. Guess you'll have to go back to your mansion with your fancy degree and live a comfortable life. Christina is like, the audience likes you, so don't worry what us music professionally actually think. Blake says that David can't compare to Xenia when she sang the song last year, and that's why no one wants him. His pregnant sister "can't believe it," and is probably now reconsidering naming her unborn child Blake-Tina "Jagger" Green.

After commercials -- where I think it was revealed that The Lorax is going to guest judge next week? -- we meet Rory and Tristan of The Shields Brothers. They're Virginia country boys and just the very worst in terms of gimmicks, Flock of Seagulls hair and facial expressions. Speaking of, their mother's face is completely stone cold during their interviews and she frankly looks terrified. Phew, Dad just made a joke and now she's laughing. Okay, we got this.

They're playing "Dancing with Myself" and it's super weak. Christina wows us all with her ability to decipher two voices, and Cee Lo turns around? Wha? He's even chair dancing, ew, and making like, grunting rock faces. Maybe these brothers could be better if they had a bit of training?

The judges are all incredibly awkward. Adam compliments them and tells them they're in the right hands with Cee Lo. Blake and Christina say it was fun and tells them they simply need to be with Cee Lo, that ball of energy. He likes that they're a duo, and for the first time in my life I'm happy to hear Smash Mouth's "All Star" so that we can get on with this shit already. After a quick clip of Cee Lo holding his fluffy kitty, we are free of the Shields Bros and learn that the judge only needs two more artists to fill his team.

Cheesa is a 21-year-old Hawaiian native with what I'm hoping is just interesting eye liner design, because getting a tattoo that close to your eyeball would be terrible for many reasons. She comes from humble beginnings to say the least, and I immediately like her accompanying mom and brother. She wants Cee Lo, but at the end of the day she just wants anyone, duh.

She's singing "If I Were a Boy," which I find ironic given her INSANELY deep voice. I was in no way expecting that, and probably shouldn't make fun given that I'm a low-resonating lady myself... but her voice is so low that somewhere there must be several African elephants crowding around the watering hole and predicting which judge will hit their button. (Also, infrasound is so interesting!) I don't think anyone is moving. She's at the chorus now and is belting her little Hawaiian heart out, almost enough to grab Cee Lo's attention... at first I thought he was bluffing about being upset for missing his chance at nabbing her, but then when Cheesa does a long-winded finish, he actually presses his button! I was totally tricked.

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The Voice

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