I feel like I've been watching The Voice forever. I'm already sick of some of these contestants, and we've only just begun the live shows. At least Christina is brandishing another fan, right?
"This is the week we've been waiting for," Carson Daly reminds us. I'm glad he's here to tell us what matters in this world. Team Adam and Team Blake perform tonight, and to show that they don't give a rat's ass, Cee Lo and Christina are wearing Halloween wigs they bought on sale. Carson reminds us, however briefly, that it is election week, but we are watching this show because we don't care about the fate of this country, we care about which singers will make it to the Top 12. To vote for Obama, dial 1-860-GO-HOPE.
Then, Carson narrated a recap of the last eight weeks of our lives. What an agonizing two months it has been. Think about all the things you've consumed while watching this show; and then imagine it all piled into a wheelbarrow, navigated by Jamie Oliver. Something about this show makes me want to eat a wheelbarrow of taquitos.
After the judges said nothing important and Cee Lo made everyone laugh with his Prince costume, it's time for the first performance. Team Adam and Team Blake perform together, for the first and last time. They perform "Piece of Mind," starting out with Terry, Julio, and Bryan, if my memory serves me right. Then Amanda sass-walks out onto the stage she rightfully owns, and the Laurens and Cassadees of the world remain forgettable. Everything is happening too fast, and I don't care about enough of these people yet. I declare Terry McDermott and Amanda Brown the winners of this group performance, because I'm America and this week is all about me.
The first performance of the night that matters, comes from 17-year old Joselyn Rivera. She started on Team Christina but was stolen by Adam. Then, she sang "Love on Top" and was awesome. This time, she is singing "Give Your Heart a Break." Adam coaches her on how to connect with the audience and make people like her, but he can't even find a t-shirt without holes in it, so what does he know about being lovable?
I don't like this song, but I like Joselyn enough. There are a few pitch issues, and we see Adam realizing that in a live shot, unfortunately for Joselyn. The coaches, who matter less and less, tell Joselyn she is great. Adam tells Joselyn she thrives in a live environment. I think the whole thing was just OK.
Then, we had to check in with Christina Milian in the skybox. We've been trying to ignore her, relegating her to nbc.com for the last eight weeks, but now she is our burden. Er, #burden.