Props to Wing Chun, who believed so fervently in my recapping acumen that she trusted in my ability to hop from my other Wednesday at 9 PM gig directly over to this one, despite my having missed the past seven weeks of this show. But don't worry, y'all. I'm up for the challenge. Because you know what's funny? Men in navy blue suits are funny. So let's go and watch them now.
Fade up on a TV-within-a-TV shot of a man in a navy blue suit (natch), reporting from the Pentagon. We join him in progress: "...with General Vahorean confirming -- or should I say disclosing for the first time the names of the Marines taken hostage." And they are? "They are Lance Corporals John Halley and Raymond Rowe, and Private First Class Herman Hernandez." He goes on to explain that their mission began as "a routine patrol of Bitanga Airport" and ended with their being attacked by fifty members of the Kundu national army. The camera pans slowly away from this decidedly Max-Headroom-esque opening sequence, pausing just long enough to ensure that we notice the television is tuned to MSNBC. Nice synergy there. The news crawl along the bottom of the screen displays inconsequential facts about a pending car seat recall, but it might as well opportunistically read, "More Americans get their news from MSNBC, the Official Television News Station Of The Fake TV White House."
A subtitle written in the font MS Secretly I'm Not Equipped To Recap This Show AT ALL Sans Bold appears on screen, letting us know that it "Saturday Evening." In a long, nondescript hallway festooned with fluorescent lighting and sadness, Toby paces and speaks as calmly as I've ever heard him (read: frantic rather than apoplectic, pointed rather than "purple with rage") into a cell phone: "Well, Sam's on his way over. And I'll tell you something -- if I were someone who felt comfortable hugging other people, I'd give one to Sam, 'cause he absolutely impaled himself." Toby paces and paces -- he must be looking for his tie -- informing the other conversational party that he's happy to lend Sam whatever help he needs for the last week of his campaign, ending off his rapidly expanding congressional filibuster: "By the way, you know what they don't tell you? You can post bond with a credit card." Heh. Nicely developed. Over at the front desk, Charlie informs a uniformed gentlemen, "Yo man, that's totally whack," as Toby fails to miss a beat: "Yeah, Charlie's trying to throw down with the street. It's kind of a sad sight to see." Charlie, meanwhile, names credit card after credit card, apparently trying to free himself from the clink and maximize his airline mileage simultaneously, and he's one "this is whack" away from trying to gain sweet, sweet freedom with his Diner's Club card when the action turns back to the nearby television. A woman appears on the TV screen, standing outside and holding an umbrella, letting us know that POTUS has boarded Air Force One and is on his way home from stumping for Sam in California. The uniformed man beckons Toby over to the front desk, telling him that his release paperwork requires him to sign a comical amount of times (total: ten, and four initials), inspiring Toby to snark, "Excuse me, I think they're making me buy somebody's house." Surly Cop (oh, such a clever, clever nickname I finally came up with just as we'll never see him again) shoots Toby a look with Toby ignores Toby-ly. Toby instructs whoever it is he's been speaking with to "call [him] when you land," snapping the cell shut and turning around to a seated group of cliché hooker archetypes and asking them which one of them he borrowed the phone from.