X-Files

The Truth, Part II

The Truth, Part II - In the second hour: with the help of Skinner, Doggett, and Kersh, Mulder escapes from prison and takes Scully along with him in search of this whole "truth" thing that he keeps talking about. Yeah, apparently the aliens are going to be here in about ten years. Then shit blows up, and Mulder and Scully go on the lam and, in the end, just spoon together and fall asleep like little baby cats.

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The Truth, Part I

The Truth, Part I - The first half of the X-Files series finale focuses on Mulder's return: his smoochy reunion with Scully, and how he's been accused of killing Noel Roaaaarraaaaaaar and sent to a trial in front of a military tribunal. All that, plus confirmation that William is Mulder's son. Well, as far as Mulder's concerned. Oh, let's not even go there.

Sunshine Days

Sunshine Days - Okay, so there's one more episode left of this show, ever. ONE. Uno.Une. And nine years of mytharc to start to wrap up. And so the penultimate episode of The X-Files, naturally, is devoted to The Brady Bunch. There's some crap about how this guy -- who's obsessed with the Bradys or some shit -- is living proof of the paranormal, and now apparently everyone believes, or something, and we're supposed to learn that, like, people are important, but really? This was a Monster of the Week episode. Did Jessica mention that there's only one episode left? Ever? EVER? Yeah.

Release

Release - Led by the "feelings" of a young, weird cadet at the FBI Academy, Doggett finally breaks the case of his son's murder. Poor Dead Luke hasn't turned into starlight, nor did aliens abduct him; he was just killed by a mobster, a victim of a pedophile, a little kid at the wrong place at the wrong time. We also meet Doggett's ex-wife Barbara (played by Robert Patrick's real-life wife, Barbara Patrick) and learn that Dread Pirate Brad's been taking dirty money from mobsters for years. At the end, it seems, Doggett gets real closure, and DPB exacts some revenge.

William

William - Scully gives William up to farmers; Jeffrey Spender comes back to town all deep-fried like a basket of shrimp and tells her that Mulder's his brother. He also injects the baby with some stuff that makes him normal. Yeah, it was all pretty easy. Plus: stuff about Mulder. Lots of stuff. No, really.

Jump The Shark

Jump The Shark - Uh. Okay, 1013 does the impossible and makes an episode in which the Lone Gunmen die -- really, actually die -- basically boring and uninvolving. For those of us who didn't watch Chris Carter's ill-fated The X-Files spin-off The Lone Gunmen, this episode featured a lot of people we've never seen before and, therefore, really don't care about. Langly, Byers, and Frohike meet their maker saving the world, but there's no sense of urgency in this case, so their deaths don't have nearly the resonance they should have.

Scary Monsters

Scary Monsters - So, there's this kid and his imagination makes, like, bugs infest people, or something? Except not, because it's all in his mind? Or something. And Doggett saves the day by making the kid think he's going to burn him alive. But not. Because it's all in the kid's imagination. I guess. And then at the end, his Super-Potent Imagination is destroyed by extensive exposure to television. Because TV rots your brains. Apparently. Also included: the reappearance of Leyla Harrison, the introduction of her rather amusing pseudo-boyfriend, and a cat autopsy on a kitchen table.

Improbable

Improbable - Burt Reynolds guest-stars as God. Or the Devil. Or Fate. Something. Yes. Burt Reynolds. Includes: lip-synching to Italian songs, a late-night checkers game, and Audrey from Little Shop of Horrors as a doomed numerologist.

Underneath

Underneath - So, there's this guy who looks like Meat Loaf and he was wrongly imprisoned for killing a bunch of people. Or was he? Our heroes investigate yet another case that turns out to be about God. Sort of. Includes an appearance by the woman who played Carly Pope's mom on Popular, plenty of snarky Doggett, and a long conversation about Milli Vanilli.

Audrey Pauley

Audrey Pauley - Robert Patrick acts his little heart out in this otherwise mediocre episode in which Moronica dies -- well, sort of -- and ends up caught in a sort of Purgatory, all thanks to the machinations of an evil doctor with no apparent motivation whatsoever. Also, Doggett loves Moronica. Whatever.

Providence (2)

Providence (2) - Jessica doesn't even know where to begin, here. The Lone Gunmen are alive. Mulder is supposedly dead. And then he's not. But apparently, his being alive (or dead) is preventing William's "true destiny," which is to...uh. Lead the alien race? Lead the humans against the aliens? Become a Jedi knight? Your guess is as good as Jessica's.

Provenance (1)

Provenance (1) - You got your Kersh, your Dread Pirate Brad, your gaggle of close-mouthed FBI suits. You got your Ma Scully, acting stupid and almost getting herself and William offed. You got your Scully kicking ass and taking names, just like old times. And finally, you got your return of the mytharc, in the form of that spaceship they found years ago in Africa. (Although this time it's located in fair Canada. Although it might be a second ship. We think.) All that, plus poor Doggett gets hit by a car. Oh, and word on the street is that Mulder is dead. Again. No, again. One more time.

Hellbound

Hellbound - This episode -- about reincarnation and these dudes and getting skinned alive and Moronica's fear of failure -- was both a bit scary and a bit interesting (not to mention a tiny bit gross). Who knew? The highlights? Patrick Swayze's brother! Moronica's cute caramel-colored leather coat! The Return of the Eyebrow!

John Doe

John Doe - Doggett wakes to find himself in Mexico with amnesia and only one shoe. He tries not to get killed by a Mexican version of CSM, who has the added value of being able to suck out people's memories. Moronica disobeys Kersh and hits Mexico to rescue her partner; she almost succeeds. In the end, one Mr. Walter Skinner pulls Doggett's and Moronica's asses out of the fire.

TrustNo1

TrustNo1 - So, there used to be this guy on this show? Tall, good-looking, occasionally snarky, got a weird thing for his sister? They talk about him a lot during this episode, but he never makes an appearance in the flesh, much to the dismay of a person he calls "Dana" during their fanfic-inspired email correspondence.

Lord Of The Flies

Lord Of The Flies - Remember Jackass, that dumb show on MTV? Yeah, in this super-timely take on stupid kids and their stupid tricks, Doggett and Moronica investigate a case in which a prankster's brains get eaten by flies.

4-D

4-D - Doggett talks about Polish sausage! Moronica gets her throat slit! And although the plot is a bit confusing (there's a parallel universe involved...we think), there is plenty of violence! And Skinner!

Daemonicus

Daemonicus - It's not really evil at all. Unless by "evil," you mean "boring" and "confusing."

Nothing Important Happened Today, Part II

Nothing Important Happened Today, Part II - Chris Carter adds some more ingredients to the mytharc recipe, and gives it a good stir. The concoction gives everyone food poisoning.

Nothing Important Happened Today, Part I

Nothing Important Happened Today, Part I - When they say "nothing happened," they mean nothing happened. Oh, except Mulder left Scully and their child. Way to go!

The Way She Moves

The Way She Moves - Annabeth Gish is an uptight photographer, transformed by the magic of dance! Dance!

Terminator 2

Terminator 2 - Doggett's made of liquid metal? When did that happen?

Still Fighting the Future

Fight The Future, Part II - Mulder and Scully. Still on the big screen. Still fighting the future. Still confusing the hell out of everyone, thanks!

The One Where We Recap The Movie

Fight The Future, Part I - Mulder and Scully hit the big screen, completely confusing fans and newcomers alike.

The Kiss

Existence (2) - Season eight's finale goes out with a big fat juicy kiss between Mulder and Scully, at long last. Other stuff happens, but it's hard to remember what, exactly.

Baby, It's You

Essence (1) - Really. You're the savior of all mankind. Enjoy those last few days in Scully's uterus, though, because once you get out things might get a little hectic.

Alone Again, Naturally

Alone - Poor Doggett. He saves upstate New York from an evil scientist/crazy LizardMan, but still goes home alone.

Fired!

Vienen - Mulder and Doggett do a lot of manly posturing while investigating an infestation of the infamous black alien oil. Then, Mulder gets fired. 86ed. Booted. Kicked out. Canned. Out of the FBI forever! Until next week.

I'm Monica! I'm Disgusting!

Empedocles - The We Hate Monica club convenes for its first of many meetings, as Agent Reyes smacks her lips and opens her eyes all wide and acts bossy and is basically totally irritating in an episode about how evil is like a virus. Or something. No news on the baby's paternity, dammit.

More Fighting of the Future

Three Words - Something about the census? And its being used to track alien abductees? Or something. Anyway, it's bad. Also, Mulder shoves Doggett! That's what this show needed: some more violence!

Our Long National Nightmare is Over!

DeadAlive (2) - Mulder's back! Krycek's in the house! Scully's pregnancy is showing! Skinner and Doggett throw each other into walls! And Chris Carter makes Jessica pay for all that smack-talking she did earlier in the season.

Can This Be Happening?

This Is Not Happening (1) - Mulder: Possibly Dead. Scully: Real Upset.

That's No Alien, That's My Baby!

Per Manum - Doggett discovers Scully's pregnancy. Mulder makes a crack about masturbation. Skinner bites his lip. And Scully begins to suspect that her baby might not be totally human. They didn't cover that in sex ed.

This is Why Jessica Drives

Medusa - Boston's subway tunnels are infected with a deadly contagion found in milk and cheese! There's plenty of cheese in this episode, all right.

You're the Man Now, Doggett!

The Gift - Doggett gets himself shot and killed while investigating one of Mulder's old cases. Good thing there was a shaman around to eat him and then vomit him up back alive. Blink, and you'll miss Mulder. Miss the credits and you'll miss Scully. What's this show about, again?

The Up My Ass Players

Badlaa - A mean Indian mystic guy starts killing people for no reason. It's never explained. At all. Sometimes, for fun, he climbs up people's butts. Insert your own joke here.

It's a shame about Ray

Salvage - Ray has a problem. Ray is all made of metal. And he's out for blood. Cue giant yawns.

Bor-Ring!

Surekill - Some guys are killing some other guys using this one guy's x-ray vision. Scully and Doggett are in the area, but they don't do a whole hell of a lot. Jessica understands, because it's all she could do to stay awake.

Psychic Eyes

Via Negativa - How does one accessorize a third eye? With a big old ax to the skull!

Back to the Future. Or Whatever.

Redrum - Super-special guest star Joe Morton is a man with a secret. A man for whom time moves backwards. A man who may get a second chance. At life. At truth. At pretentious, overlong monologues.

The Seventh Sense

Invocation - You know that movie where the kid sees dead people? This week, so do Doggett and Scully.

What Would Banana Slug Do?

Roadrunners - Doncha hate it when crazy religious cults insert banana slugs into your body against your will, just because they think the slugs are Jesus Christ? Scully sure does.

Bats are not your friends

Patience - They might eat your friends and family! Also, the squeaking and blood sucking is most unpleasant.

Doggett! Part Deux

Without (2) - Forget rhyme. Ignore reason. It's The X-Files and everyone is still really, really confused.

Doggett!

Within (1) - Mulder's missing....OR IS HE? Scully's pregnant...BUT HOW? All your questions will be answered...OR NOT!

Big Primping

Hollywood A.D. - David Duchovny writes, directs, and casts his wife Téa Leoni in this classic episode from...um, last season.

all things

all things - You knew it was going to come to this one eventually, didn't you?

Triangle

Triangle - The one where Mulder goes back in time to World War II and gets to run around yelling nonsensical things about the future and the past and the Nazis and then he kisses Scully and jumps into the deep blue sea. Don't worry -- everything ends up fine in the end.

Bad Blood

Bad Blood - Mulder sings "Shaft." Scully flirts with Luke Wilson. Luke Wilson wears giant phony teeth. It's a classic, baby.

Never Again

Never Again - Scully finally gets some.

Home

Home - Crazy inbred freaks plus Johnny Mathis equals gross-out comedy gold.

Jose Chung's From Outer Space

Jose Chung’s From Outer Space - With guest appearances from Alex Trebek and Jesse Ventura, a diagnosis of Mulder as "a ticking time bomb of insanity," and whole lot of blankety blank bleeps. What's not to love?

The One With Peter Boyle

Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose - Yeah, it's that one with the guy from Everybody Loves Raymond, where he tells Mulder he's going to die from autoerotic asphyxiation. We love that one!

Super-Freaky, Yow!

Humbug - Mulder and Scully investigate the murder of an Alligator Man, and meet all kinds of nifty people, including a guy with a conjoined twin hanging out of his stomach, and a little tiny Frohike.

He's Totally Resistible, Dude

Irresistible - Donnie Pfaster scares Jessica. Because he's freaky, and he's going after our Scully.

Kids Today! I Blame the Rap Music.

Eve - Two unrelated but identical girls kill their respective fathers after they find out that the two of them are actually just clones from this wacky eugenics experiment gone oh so very wrong. It's creepy!

In the Beginning...

Pilot - ...Chris Carter created a show about two fresh-faced FBI agents who investigated paranormal phenomenon. And people who stayed home on Friday nights watched it. And it was good.