X-Files

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Bad Blood

Scully voice-overs that the town of Chaney is too small to have a morgue, so the body of one "Mr. Dwight Funt" was being kept in the Peaceful Slumbers Funeral Home. Cut to Mulder and Scully standing in the middle of the casket display room. Mulder is chatting up Chaney's version of David Fisher; Scully just looks bored. She voice-overs that it was in the funeral home that they were met by local law enforcement. In the form of one Luke Wilson, who ambles into the funeral home all gawky and handsome. "Sheriff Lucius Hartwell," he announces, and wonders if they're from the FBI. Scully smiles at him somewhat dreamily, as he tilts his hat in her direction. "Yes, I'm --" Scully begins. "Agents Mulder and, um," Mulder snaps his finger absent-mindedly. Scully shoots him a dirty look. "Scully," he finally remembers, before wondering if they can take a look at the body. Luke amiably agrees. He smiles nicely at Scully, who demurely blushes at the floor and sort of looks up at him through her lashes. Mulder storms into the other room. "Come on, Scully, get those little legs moving!" he calls. Scully barely manages to stifle a look of supreme irritation and walks past Luke into the back room. "Boy," Luke says under his breath appreciatively.

Scully slips into a pair of examination gloves as Luke removes a sheet from the victim's body. "Nice threads," Mulder snarks, looking at the man's Hawaiian shirt. Scully wonders if an exam has been done. Luke explains that they decided it would be best to wait for "the experts." Mulder points triumphantly at two small holes in the dead man's neck. "Looks like your Satanic cultist had some sharp little teeth," Mulder says. "What Satanic cultists?" Luke asks. "Go ahead," Mulder tells Scully. "Tell him your little 'theory.'" This particular comment comes obnoxiously complete with air quotes. Scully gives him a mildly dirty look and tells Luke that her theory has evolved. She thinks they're looking for someone who has "seen too many Bela Lugosi movies. This person thinks they're [sic] a vampire," Scully explains. "So he acts like one," Luke finishes, nodding. "That makes a whole lot of sense. I think she's right!" he tells Mulder. Scully smiles beatifically and blushes slightly. Mulder wonders how this explains the fang marks. Scully offers that the vampire wannabe might be obsessed enough to file down his or her own incisors. At this, Mulder makes an amazingly incredulous look. Scully offers that a "melage casting" might help them make an identification. "A melage casting," Luke repeats, nodding his head. "Yeah, that's a good idea." Scully is thrilled that someone is finally listening to her, not to mention actually agreeing with her. "Mulder should take notes," the Scully action figure mutters, critically examining her manicure. Luke walks across the room and steps right into Mulder's personal space in order to get up close and personal with Scully. Mulder takes an aggrieved step backward, brows raised. Luke wonders if there isn't a psychological disease that makes people think they're vampires. Scully explains that some people do "gain erotic satisfaction from drinking human blood." Mulder raises his brows again. "Erotic. Yeah," Luke purrs. Scully smiles modestly and continues, explaining that there are also afflictions that cause, for example, sensitivity to light or garlic. Luke just listens to her talk. They stare dreamily into each other's eyes. "You really know your stuff, Dana," Luke sighs. She smiles at him.

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X-Files

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