X-Files

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Bad Blood

"Upon arriving at the funeral home, I made an interesting observation, one which you apparently didn't hear," Mulder announces as we cut to the funeral home. Said observation: "That's a whole lot of caskets." One of the best minds of our generation, people. Chaney's version of David Fisher explains that they have the largest supply in the state. Mulder wonders why such a small town needs so many coffins. "Repeat business," Chaney's David Fisher cracks. Scully looks incredibly bored as Mulder stares at the funeral director. "Mortician humor," Chaney's David Fisher explains. "Excuse me," he says, and runs off. "Apparently, your mind was somewhere else," Mulder voice-overs to Scully. Back in Mulder's version of events, Scully watches Luke Wilson enter the funeral home and her jaw drops. "Hoo boy," she drawls, then plasters a winsome smile on her face. "Y'all must be the guv'ment people," Luke manages to force past his gigantic fake buck teeth. Mulder visibly recoils at the sight of them.

LBO. "He had big buck teeth?" Scully asks. Mulder mutters that Luke had "a slight overbite." Scully makes a face. "And that's significant how?" she asks. Mulder shrugs. "I'm just trying to be thorough," he says.

Mulder Vision. "Here we go," Luke works past his unfortunate dental situation, pulling the sheet off the body. Scully stares at him dreamily. "No exam has been done?" Mulder asks. Luke marble-mouths that the body is just as they found him. "No exam has been done?" Scully asks dreamily, caressing her gloves absent-mindedly. Mulder shoots her a look and Luke furrows his brow a tad, but repeats that they thought to leave the exam for the experts. Scully smiles at him winsomely and bats her lashes. Mulder examines the victim's puncture wounds. "Now, that cain't be wot it look liiiike, riiight?" Luke drawls. Scully looks up at him and shakes her head, smiling flirtatiously. "It depends on what you think it looks like, [Luke]," Mulder says. "Vampires have always been with us," he lectures, "in ancient myths and stories pasted down from early man. From the Babylonian Ekimmu [at this, Scully makes a "blah, blah, blah" face at Luke] to the Chinese Kuang-Shi, the Motez Dame of the Hebrews, the Mormo of ancient Greece and Rome, right down to the more familiar Nosferatu of Transylvania," Mulder finally finishes. That sentence took me ten minutes to transcribe. "Mormo," Luke mumbles around his enormous chompers. "Yeah." Scully does some more heavy-duty eyelash batting. "In short, Sheriff, no. This can't be what it looks like," Scully says charmingly. Mulder makes a put-upon face and sighs. "I think what we're dealing with here is simply a case of some lunatic," Scully says, glancing over at Mulder, who rolls his eyes. "Who has watched too many Bela Lugosi movies. He wishes that he could transfigure himself into a creature of the night." She purrs this last bit and smiles winningly. Luke sticks out his teeth and squints. "Yeah. Okay? What she said? That's what I'm thinking?" he says. Scully beams triumphantly up at Mulder who just looks weary. "And, uh, yeah," Luke finishes articulately. Mulder announces that this leaves them with a bit of a quandary, because "there are as many kinds of vampires as there are cultures that fear them." I don't know what that has to do with the perp being some Dracula-obsessed kid, but I assume this is yet another case of Mulder not really listening to what people are telling him. Scully yawns widely, neatly patting her mouth with her gloved hand. "Some don't even subsist on blood," Mulder keeps yammering. "The Bulgarian Ubour, for example, subsists entirely on manure." Scully rolls her eyes. "Thank you," she says dryly. Mulder goes on to explain that for the Serbs, a prime indicator of vampirism was red hair. He gestures like Vanna White at Scully and chuckles, then tells Luke that some vampires are eternal, whereas others live for forty days blah blah blah someone needs to get out morecakes. "If there's a point, Mulder, please feel free to come to it," Scully tells him, still smiling winsomely at Luke, who just looks blank. Mulder explains that his point is that they really don't know what they're looking for out there. "What kind of vampire or, if you prefer, what kind of vampire this killer wishes he could be," Mulder says. Scully rolls her eyes, all, "Look at what I have to put up with." Luke just squints and sticks out his teeth.

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