X-Files

Episode Report Card
Jessica: C- | 1 USERS: A+
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The Up My Ass Players

It's time to go back...back...back to schooooooooooooool. Meet Trevor. Trevor is a bully. Meet Quentin. Quentin is a nice boy. See Quentin and Trevor fight. See Quentin's dad break up the fight. Go, Quentin's Dad, go! See Janitor Guy watching the fight. Janitor Guy is scary. Janitor Guy watches as Quentin and his dad drive away. Watch as Janitor Guy turns into Morty! Hear the jangly Indian music play! Can you say "whatever"? I knew you could!

Let's pay a visit to the Lush Basement Office of Dana Scully and John "You're the Man Now" Doggett, who is currently on the phone with a pal in New Delhi. Chitty chat chat, apparently a death similar to Fred's occurred a few months ago in a posh New Delhi hotel. The victim? An American. The autopsy results? The same details. Doggett hands his partner reams of paper, warning her that most of them are in various Indian languages, but that he got a translation of the autopsy report for her. She reads. The one thing that pops out of the autopsy, to her, is that, at time of death the American weighed more than 33 lbs. more than he did according to his recently issued passport, an amount she thinks is too big to be a little vain lie. The wheels turn. The light bulb goes on. Yada. Scully slowly hypothesizes that a big man is "all the better for accommodation." For something small. Something with small hands. A human stowaway. First, ew. Second, whatever. Doggett is skeptical, in a character development I almost cannot believe; it's so revolutionary and shocking! Frankly, even Scully doesn't sound like she believes her own theory, but she reminds him that she asked him to keep an open mind. Doggett snarks that he's not that open. She sighs that she understands his skepticism. AS DO WE ALL. Dude. Doggett leans back and asks her how she figures the whole "already dead when he boarded the plane" bit into her human stowaway theory. She doesn't answer, and guess what? That's never answered at all in this episode. Why do they keep doing that?

See Quentin's house. See Quentin sleeping. Wake up, Quentin, wake up! See Morty in the corner of Quentin's room. Hear Quentin scream bloody murder. See Quentin's dad rescue him, give him a kiss, and tell him to go back to sleep. See Quentin's dad go back downstairs to watch George Stephanopolous on TV and die. Hear a yell from downstairs. See Quentin find his dad's dead body. Poor Quentin. Quentin is sad!

Do you think anyone is enjoying this season? Even Doggett and Scully look bored. Just wondering.

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