X-Files

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The Up My Ass Players

Doggett has the Janitor in the interrogation room. Enter Chuck, who wants to talk to "the mystic." Doggett says the Janitor isn't a mystic, but that he doesn't seem to speak. At the very least, in the last four hours that Scully was interrogating him, he wasn't speaking. Doggett says they're about to let him go. Wow, I had no idea that if you just clamed up, the cops had to let you go. I'll have to remember that. Chuck listens to Doggett yammer while he sets up a video camera trained on the Janitor. He calls Doggett over to take a look at what it has recorded: no one in the interrogation room at all. Jangly Indian music. "It's a trick," Doggett insists. "Not of the camera," says Chuck. "If he's not there..." says Doggett. "He could be anywhere," says Chuck. Dum dum dum dum!

Scully heads over to Trevor's to interrogate the poor motherless child, but Doggett Nokias her and tells her to get her pretty little ass back to the Bureau. At the same moment, Trevor's Widower Dad dashes back to Scully to tell her that Trevor is AWOL.

School Where They Don't Do Background Checks on Their Janitors. Creaking of Evil in the hallway. The principal and a teacher look up to see the Janitor pushing his bucket and mop down the hall. "I didn't think...you'd be back...today," the principal stammers. The Janitor says nothing and creaks on down the hall. The principal takes Scully's business card out of her pocket and hands it to the teacher, telling her to "make a call."

In the hallway, Quentin is playing Hardy Boys with some walkie-talkies. "Here he comes," he whispers, as the Janitor creaks toward the supply closet. It is Morty, of course, who opens the supply-closet door. Perched on the top shelf of the closet, Trevor pushes a huge vat of acid onto what would have been Morty's head, if he hadn't been sharp enough to disappear into thin air. Thwarted again!

Trevor jumps off the shelving unit, and lands right into the acid, which has absolutely no effect whatsoever on his skin. He must be a little magical, too. As Trevor stumbles out of the supply closet, Morty creaks down the hall toward Quentin, who looks pretty freaked, and books down the stairs and into a classroom. Quentin tries to escape out of the classroom windows, but they're locked. Trevor appears outside and bangs on the window, telling Quentin to break them and get the hell out. As Quentin looks around for something to break the window, Trevor blanches. Behind Quentin is, naturally, Morty and his Cart of Evil. He rolls toward Quentin. Trevor runs for help. Morty rolls closer. Conveniently, Scully and the principal enter at exactly that moment. "Do something!" Quentin hollers. Scully makes her disapproving Mommy face and looks at the boys -- for Morty has morphed into Trevor. "It's the little man!" Quentin shouts. Scully looks askance. "Who?" she asks. "Trevor?" Trevor looks evilly at Scully, who draws her gun and points it at him. The principal begins to freak, as Quentin begs Scully to shoot Trevor. "I...can't." she breathes.

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X-Files

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