X-Files

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Daemonicus

The C.S.I. are all over the house, snapping pictures of the crime scene and dusting for prints. Pa and Ma Doomed have been reinstated at the Scrabble board, although their game has been replaced with one word: "Daemonicus." Moronica stares down at it, looking as though she's about to vomit. Above her head, a ceiling fan slowly turns. She looks up at it. For twenty-five minutes. Then she stares down at Pa Doomed's gun, which has been placed neatly in his hand. She reaches down and gingerly touches the "D" Scrabble tile. The fan above her stops. She jumps and looks up at it for another twenty-five minutes, until Doggett enters the room and interrupts her reverie, calling her name. The fan starts moving again. Moronica leaps out of her skin. For someone with so much experience in the areas of Satanism and whatnot, she's really awfully jumpy. "I didn't mean to scare you," Doggett apologizes. Moronica breathes that she was looking for him. He was "out back," he tells her, and reminds her that she's "the expert" on these kinds of things. You know -- evil, Satanic, evil, evil things. And as such, everyone is "waiting for [her] take" on the situation. Moronica looks like she's about to burst into hot wet tears. Buck up, little camper! Isn't working on the X-Files everything you ever wanted? "What do we know?" she asks Doggett, who tells her that they've found the dog outside, his little furry neck all broken. They've got two perps, for sure. And they can't seem to figure out motive. "It fits the profile, right? This thing is staged to look like a Satanic ritual," says Doggett. Moronica hems and haws and basically confesses that she doesn't know if it was staged, exactly. "This word is undoubtedly demonic," she says, pointing at the Scrabble board. It means "satanic" or "demon possession." Don't you think the devil would be smarter than to spell it out for you like this, Moronica? "There may be something else," she tells Doggett in her I Have A Feeling Voice, which is low and quiet and can only be used at very, very slow speeds. "Which is what?" Doggett asks, rolling his eyes. And she kisses him, and then goes on the lam, leaving Doggett and their baby to fend for themselves. Oh, wait, that was someone else. Never mind. The coroner comes in and starts loading the Doomeds onto stretchers. "Don't tell me you think the Devil did this," Doggett says, "because they've got prints." What, the Devil doesn't have fingers? I guess he's probably not in the database. Moronica breathes that "something strange" was happening before he came in, and as she starts to explain her all-important feelings, the coroner yelps. Doggett and Moronica turn to see two small snakes slithering out of Ma Doomed's chest. Moronica looks ready to heave.

Meanwhile, over at the FBI Training Academy in Quantico, "Dr. Dana Scully" is writing her name on a blackboard in front of a large class of blue-polo-shirted students. She finishes the "y" with a flurry, and turns to face the class. I'm not sure if I'm totally behind Scully's New Kinder, Gentler Hair, but I love her navy blue suit. It's very Tom Ford's First Collection for Gucci. When was that, 1995? You know, the line with those great close-cut velvet pant suits? I still want one of those. Anyway, her suit is similar to that, and she's wearing a lighter blue wide-collared shirt and it just looks great. Perfect for a teacher of forensic pathology, which is what Scully announces she is teaching. "For the past eight years, I was part of a unit known as the X-Files," she tells the class. Much murmuring ensues. "Some of you may have heard of it," Scully comments wryly. "Ever slay a vampire?" some guy calls out from the back of the lecture hall. "Sorry to disappoint you, but this is a class in forensic pathology," Scully repeats. "An X-File is a case deemed unsolvable by the Bureau," she begins, and explains that when science can not explain something, then -- and only then -- is the time to look for "other explanations. A vampire, perhaps." Or a guy that crawls up people's butts! Or a man that looks like a bat! Or a guy who vomits up dead people! "Science tells us, however, that evil comes not from monsters, but from men," Scully pronounces. "No, actually, mostly from monsters." Mid-blah blah, Scully looks up and sees Doggett entering the classroom. He looks perturbed.

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X-Files

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