X-Files

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Daemonicus

A full moon shines brightly in the sky...and is soon shattered into pieces as a truck drives over it. Yeah, that was a reflection in a puddle of water. This episode is alarmingly faux-arty. Wait until we get to the time-lapse camera-work! But I'm spoiling all the fun! Anyway, the van pulls onto a bumpety road and finally parks in the middle of a field in front of a quaint farmhouse, in what we are helpfully told is Weston, West Virginia. Mark Snow's kids had a soccer game and two piano recitals this month, so the Foreboding Music of Doom for this episode consists of one note, plinked over and over again on the piano.

Inside the Quaint, But Surely Doomed Farmhouse, a man and a woman play Scrabble. Scrabble is the devil's work. I'm serious. Do you know how much time I waste playing Literati all day long? Anyway, they're all playing Scrabble when the dog starts barking frantically and clawing at the front door. "Happy, stop that," Ma Doomed calls over her shoulder. More Scrabble. More barking. Eventually, Ma Doomed gets up to check on the dog, warning Pa Doomed not to look at her letters. Of course, he does. He'll be sorry about being such a damned cheater after she's dead. Anyway, Ma Doomed lets the dog out and comes back to find that Pa Doomed has managed to finagle some obscenely highly scored word. She eyes him suspiciously as, outside, the dog barks and barks, then abruptly goes silent. Pa and Ma stare at each other. All their lights go out. Pa Doomed hisses at his wife to get into the basement. She starts to protest, but he tells her to do as he says, woman! He races upstairs to load his gun. While he's gone, of course, someone grabs Ma Doomed from behind and gags her. Momentarily, Pa Doomed shuffles down the stairs, firearm in hand. Someone emerges from the shadows of the living room. "I got a gun," Pa Doomed cries. The Shadowy Figure keeps coming. Pa fires. And hits the bound and gagged Ma Doomed, natch. Because if he'd hit the Big Bad, this episode would be over. The Timpani of Terror quiver in the background. Pa Doomed's lower lip quivers as he looks at his poor dead wife. Otherworldly voices rush into the room, all backwards and faux-Satanic. Pa Doomed keeps quivering. Two guys in demon masks stolen from the Buffy prop room stand in the corner of the room and glower.

Credits. No Skinner? Dammit!

Day. The camera is located right behind Annabeth Gish's head here, as she drives her Sensible Rental Car onto the Doomed Family's lawn. Hey, I just realized that I plagiarized their names from the Sims. Sadly, unlike my Sims, Ma Doomed is not a skanky tramp, who leaves Pa Doomed and their child to live with the Swinging Bachelor down the street Guy who has a hot tub, thus driving Pa Doomed into such a horrible depression that he's too despondent to clean, which, in turn, leads to his kitchen catching on fire and burning him to a crisp, leaving the little Doomed Daughter to fend for herself for three days until Social Services comes and takes her away. Ah, good times. Where was I? Moronica, driving. And we're right up in, like, her hair. It's sort of sick-making, and I mean that literally. Anyway, Moronica flashes her badge at the cops and drives right onto the lawn, climbs out of the car, and strolls into the Doomed Farmhouse. The back of her head looks very pensive.

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X-Files

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