X-Files

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I'm Monica! I'm Disgusting!

Washington Memorial Hospital, 1:42 PM. Scully's assumed her usual position on the gurney. Mulder races along by her side. He runs into an ER nurse, who will be fulfilling the Sassy Black Woman quota on this show for Season Eight. Mulder gives Nurse Lady the name of Scully's OB. "He's been called," Nurse Lady snips. "It's a she," Mulder says. Nurse Lady turns on him "Who are you? The husband?" No. She tells him he needs to get out, in that case. First of all, the question that most nurses would ask nowadays is, "Are you the father?" But, see, that would present a problem for the entire "who's the daddy?" plot line 1013 is working here, because he'd have to answer one way or the other. Also, please note that this is the second Mulder/Scully Marriage Moment of this episode. Mulder watches Scully get rolled into the exam room, as Doggett comes up the hallway from the other direction. He was dropping something off at Scully's apartment, he says, and the landlord told him what happened. Nurse Lady to Doggett: Are you the husband? Doggett to Nurse Lady: Anything's possible. Mulder's phone rings. It's the Queen of Bad Timing, Agent Monica PoorlyCoiffed. She needs his help. Mulder's all, "Who are you?" Monica hems and haws and finally admits that they've never met. "Not since you've been alive." Yada yada, this isn't a good time, yada yada, I need your help, yada yada, my one true love is in the hospital. Mulder is half-listening to Monica, half-watching Doggett getting the scoop on his girlfriend from Dr Nameless NoName and Nurse Lady. Someone's jealous! Mulder might feel better if he knew that Doggett's madly in love with the Skinman. Although Doggett does sort of act as though...no, that can't be true. I have no idea what I'm talking about. Ignore me. Mulder tells Monica, rather shirtily, that she ought to talk to Doggett about her case. She can't, she says, because it involves him. "It's very important," she stresses. Mulder sighs. Geez, can't a guy get a break? Especially one who's just been dug up from his earthen grave? Finally, he tells Monica to call him when she gets to DC. How'd she get his number to begin with? Like so many of my questions about this show, that one is never to be answered. Mulder hangs up and gets the Scully Scoop from Doggett: the doctors said not to worry, they're running some tests.

Lavonia, Georgia, off Interstate 85. Middle of the night. Jeb sits morosely in a hotel. No one cares! Get back to Scully! I don't care about this plot at all! Jeb stares at his gun. He picks it up and holds it to his temples. Sadly, he doesn't shoot himself in head and put himself and us out of the misery of this boring-ass MotW plot. Instead, he drops the gun, which is glowing all hot and fiery and burning him. He stares at his hand, which looks like Michael's on Survivor II after he took that digger into the campfire. He looks up into the mirror. Oh, more flesh peeling? Yawn. His face starts to crack open, so he claws off his skin, revealing liquid hot magma underneath. Face-peeling? Whatever. That's nothing. That's like Girl Scout Cookies and rice pudding compared to the skin shower, people.

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X-Files

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