Episode Report Card
Jessica: B+ | Grade It Now!
Baby, It's You

Speaking of knocking, someone's at the door. Scully's rattled: the guests are early? But it's not a guest. It's Frances Fisher, whom Mama Scully has engaged to "help" them with the shower. "She's a very highly recommended baby nurse, by the way," Mama Scully says, patting an irritated-looking Scully on the shoulder as Frances Fisher sweeps into the kitchen to do some fake-helpful stuff. Highly recommended by whom? The National Council for Evil, Baby-Stealing, Mother-Killing Nurse Ladies? Because she's very obviously up to something. "Oh, Mom," Scully groans, holding the small of her back.

Shower. Where'd Scully get all these female friends? Did Mama Scully hire them? Because if Scully invited all of her friends to this shindig, the guest list would be Mulder, Skinner, Doggett, the Lone Gunmen, probably Moronica (because, remember, Scully "likes" her) and maybe that chick from last week who was helping her in the lab, and the baby would get, like, a tiny black leather jacket, and a laptop, a set of rappelling cords, maybe a microscope, a small handgun, and maybe some porn. And a goldfish or two. The women from Hire-A-Friend ooh and ah as Scully opens a package containing a little blue doll and a little pink doll. Have none of these women heard of the color green? Neutrals, ladies, neutrals. "This has got to be a conspiracy," Scully says, awkwardly attempting to sound cheerful while wondering who the hell these strange, pastel-clad women are. Everyone laughs half-heartedly. "Maybe it'll be twins!" a redheaded woman chirps from across the room, and I'm not sure, but I think she's the actress who's Gillian Anderson's stand-in, who also plays Skinner's secretary, and who is actually married to Mitch Pileggi in real life. Banter, banter, banter about the baby from all of these strange women none of us will ever see again. Someone spills her wine, and everyone squeals, but Handy Helpful Baby Killer Frances Fisher leans right in and cleans it all up in a jiff. Scully gives her mother a dirty look. "Just. Think. About. It," Mama Scully grits, in a tone I recognize from interaction with my own mother, although my mother rarely, if ever, attempts to convince me to hire a serial killer to wet-nurse my miraculous firstborn. Especially since I don't yet have a first born. Scully extends the life span of that dirty look.

Frances Fisher takes the soiled towel into Scully's bathroom, and tosses it into the hamper. A secretive, up-to-no-good look crosses her face, and she closes the bathroom door more tightly and starts riffling through Scully's medicine cabinet. And who among us has not opened the medicine cabinet at a strange house during a party at least once in our lives? But I've never -- hey, is that K-Y? Good going, Dana! That reminds me of a very funny story: when I was in college, my dorm room was right across from the women's restroom, which was very convenient. So, one night, I heard a loud squeal, and I stuck my head in there; it was my RA, who had accidentally spread K-Y jelly all over her toothbrush and stuck it in her mouth. Ah, good times. Anyway, where was I? Oh, right. I've never done what Frances Fisher does. She takes a bottle of prescription drugs, dumps them into the toilet, and refills the bottle with pills from an envelope in her pocket. Now, we've been talking about the color of the pills on the forums, and I know it looks like one set is white and the other is blue, but in this scene, they look pretty much the same color. I think the blue/white thing is a just a trick of the lighting. Or is it?

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